Sickbed Fever Dreams! - Volume Three

Continuing on with this recent collection of oddball movies that made their way in front of my corneas while I was a prisoner on the couch following surgery, we come to one of the nuttiest ever! Adam and Eve: The First Love Story (1983) was an Italian flick which took the creation and spun it into a partial rip-off of both The Blue Lagoon (1980) and Quest for Fire (1981!) Thanks to some of the folks they brush up against in the tale, this was later re-titled "Adam and Eve Versus the Cannibals!" (Cannibal flicks had enjoyed their own run in grind-house cinema.) I'm always up for some Adam and Eve action, especially if Adam is played by somebody like the glorious Jorge Rivero. That wasn't the case this time out, but I still kept an eye peeled.

Things begin reasonably enough with the creation of the earth, followed by the introduction of man. In this rendition, Adam (played by Mark Gregory) comes crawling out of a disgusting, bloody sac (!) before emerging as the first specimen of mankind.

Gregory's real name was Marco de Gregorio. One year prior, he'd won a starring role in a film called 1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982), which featured several American actors. He was 18 at this point and had been a competitive Greco-Roman wrestler.

Gregory, as the story often goes, enjoys his idyllic surroundings, but becomes lonely.

One day along the seashore, he begins to fashion a companion out of sand.

Having completed her, he lies beside the figure in the sun.

Suddenly it begins to rain and he is eager to protect his newly-created partner from the elements.

So he climbs on top of the sand sculpture, only to have the rain wash away the debris to reveal... Eve!

Eve is portrayed by Andrea Goldman, whose only film credit this is. (It's surprising because she does demonstrate a level of acting finesse!)

Although it's filmed from a discreet distance, the filmmakers didn't "cheat" by having Gregory clad in flesh-toned undies or what-not. He was truly in the raw.

Gregory instructs Goldman to never eat from the forbidden tree, though she can't seem to understand why it's a big deal.

Eventually, thanks to the hypnotic pleas of a massive snake, she gives in and tries the fruit. Adam, remembering the adage that most men abide by still today - "Happy wife, happy life!" - goes ahead and digs in as well.

With that, they lie down for a snooze in what will unfortunately be their final night in paradise...

They are awakened by a horrendous windstorm and are cast out into a craggy, dirty wasteland. (This segment couldn't have been easy on the performers to film as they were naked all the time and being flayed by leaves, branches, etc...!)

Oh, lest I forget, one of the THE hootiest parts of this always nutty film occurs when Gregory and Goldman find themselves being chased, nude, down a gully by a humongous boulder!

The creators never met a hit movie they didn't wish to crib from and this part is straight out of Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) only without clothing...! (Or decent effects.)

Now ashamed of their bodies and clad in skins, the twosome roams the ragged landscape. You may (or may not) have trouble believing that they are attacked at one point by a pterodactyl! It's the first time they try meat for dinner...!

Then they find that they're not the only people on hand... A seriously ugly clan of cavemen and women take them prisoner.

As sometimes happens to young, fit, male prisoners, Gregory is felt up by some of his burly captors.

Once extracted from this predicament, A&E head off further into the wilderness. Here they meet up with some even more hideous "people."

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977) anyone?

Even then, no one could get along together....

Then comes this one from the painted green tribe! This one takes a fancy to Gordon and she convinces him to wash off his verde covering to unveil his hunky Italian features.

And then some... But, oh, that $3.97 wig...

Gregory is not feeling the new relationship between "his" Gordon and the new recruit (who I have to admit is more my bag than Gregory was.)

The two engage in a hilarious knock-down, drag-out wrestling match with various faces and places being smashed up against one another.

The story is etched in stone, so I knew they weren't going to end up together...

In the end, Gordon leaves her fresh-scrubbed new guy for the more familiar Gregory.

The pair (soon to be three!) clad themselves in fur and head out to the tundra for some reason, living (un?)happily ever after... A lot more happens, including an underwater baby delivery (!), but I'll spare you that.

You may check out the cray-cray here, free with ads, should you wish to experience this film in all its glory.

Gregory's movie career only lasted until 1989, when he abruptly left to work as a painter. A sad footnote is that in 2013, penniless after a 2004 scam and out of the business for some time, he took his own life at only 31 via a drug overdose.