TV Movie Time Tunnel: "Kiss Me" Where...?

This was going to be an "It Actually Happened" post, for reasons I will elaborate on in a bit. However, I ultimately changed my mind and decided to highlight the movie itself. Kiss Me, Kill Me is a rather little-known 1976 made-for-television movie that fell into my lap recently. It was actually a pilot for what was intended to be a series (titled "D.A.'s Investigator?"), but - like 1000s of pilots - that didn't happen. Online, it's not hard to find folks carping about how underwhelming Kiss Me is, though that occurs with most anything because people are born complainers. I don't think this telefilm would change any lives, but I thought that some of its content was pretty fascinating for the time it was made and shown.

The inaugural installment of "D.A.'s Investigator" was first called "Please... Kill Me." Written by the same screenwriter who was Oscar-nominated for They Shoot Horses Don't They? (1969, losing to Midnight Cowboy), Robert Thompson had been a longtime TV scribe and also wrote the teleplay for 1974's A Case of Rape, which starred Elizabeth Montgomery. I doubt you'll find it written anywhere but here, but this film's story line is very clearly inspired by the murder of Roseann Quinn, which led to a 1975 book and the 1977 movie, Looking for Mr. Goodbar. This project slunk in one year beforehand!

Quinn had been a late-20s teacher for the deaf with a slight limp, who was later discovered to have embarked on an, um, adventurous sex life. Here we have Tisha Sterling as a teacher of handicapped children who walks with a limp. She heads into a nightclub called Mardi Gras the evening before she is killed.

Some of you may be aware that Sterling was the lookalike daughter of 1930s leading lady Ann Sothern, who we adore. Her father was Robert Sterling who, after his divorce from Sothern,  was wed to the dazzling Anne Jeffreys for more than 50 years.

The hapless Sterling has some sort of adventure in her apartment before being discovered murdered in a grisly fashion.

Now we meet the star of this project, Miss Stella Stevens, who reports to work and finds roses waiting for her from a district attorney she'd helped to win a case. She's an investigator with the D.A.'s office, helped by an assistant seen here, played by Michael Anderson Jr.

She's barely in the door before she's called into her boss's office over the murder in question. It seems that Sterling had been interviewed by Stevens during an earlier matter and a key piece of evidence was located leading back to Stevens!

It's unusual to see Stevens as a redhead, though this was not an isolated incident. She also went red for her showy role in Dean Martin's The Silencers (1966), among others. What's also jarring is that her character's name is also Stella! So that must have been easy for costars to remember during filming. Stevens is one of a few members of my Disaster Movie Club to be found in this film, having played a key role in The Poseidon Adventure (1972.)

Her boss is played by Dabney Coleman, who had a brief role in The Towering Inferno (1974.) Within a few years from this, he would enact one of the most asshole bosses in history as Franklin Hart in 9 to 5 (1980.)

Stevens arrives at the blood-spattered crime scene to join detectives Alan Fudge (who played a helpful air traffic controller in Airport 1975, 1974) and Bruce Glover.

On site as well is another detective who Stevens used to know, Claude Akins. I don't want to say that Akins isn't any good, because he could act, but it annoys me that his eyes always seem to practically be closed. He seems an unlikely partner for Stevens, though perhaps producers had memories of her convincingly playing the wife of Ernie Borgnine just a few years prior.

Not Claude Akins...

She asks to see the piece of paper with her name on it. Note the character name on the memo in question. Stella Stafford. Murder victim Sterling apparently wrote "He is going to kill me - I know it" herself, having had the paper handy from Stevens' office.

The writing of hers on top is in a sort of shorthand that Stevens had developed. She still has no memory of Sterling at all, so she asks to view the body to see if it jogs her memory.

Akins accompanies Stevens down to the morgue so that she can view Sterling's violated corpse.

Said guard is played by one-time cinematic leading man Pat O'Brien, costar of James Cagney and close pal of Spencer Tracy. This is really just a brief cameo and would disappoint anyone who tuned in just to see him.

As the investigation proceeds, Akins and Glover find themselves interrogating a suspect who was seen arguing with a man at the Mardi Gras bar as well as loitering around the apartment building where Sterling lived. He's played by Robert Vaughn of The Towering Inferno.

Vaughn turns out to be the head of a major ad agency and is met outside by his attorney and another associate once he's released from questioning.

Proceeding on, after a few other leads, Stevens and Akins head to Mardi Gras to interview the bartender (played by character actor Arnold Soboloff.) Stevens has since recalled that Sterling had left her office and gotten into an elevator with a young black man.

Anderson and Stevens have it out over Akins. He's had a slow go of it in recent times when it comes to cracking cases and he needs this one to be solved in order to maintain a career. Anderson thinks he's past it, but Stevens vehemently defends him.

When Akins manages to narrow down and locate a suspect, the bartender is called in to look over a police lineup to see if the man who'd spoken to Sterling the night of her death is the same as the one Akins has brought in. Akins' arrestee is pegged and, before long, confesses!

Stevens hears from a D.A. played by Steve Franken (of Avalanche, 1978) that Sterling really "got around" and that Akins' defendant's confession may not hold up because he's a known drug user. He wants more evidence before he'll take the case to trial.

Stevens decides to grill Akins' suspect, Charles Weldon, to see what she thinks about his motive and/or guilt. Despite his confession, he now pleads his innocence and paints a picture of Sterling as someone who got off on being knocked around.

His attorney is played by Richard Greene who happens to be the guy I posted a picture of in my most recent bulge post (the cute sea patrolman standing with Robert Conrad.)

As it happens, it is he who comes closest to providing any sort of bulge shot in this movie!

The friendship/quasi-relationship between Stevens and Akins is tested when she begins to believe that Weldon didn't do it while Akins is bent of closing the case and getting his "win."

"C'mere... you lousy cop..."

Back to Vaughn. He's at his agency, suggesting that the model in a photo shoot for stockings show more leg.

He finds Stevens waiting for him, filled with questions. She's trying to figure out who it was that Vaughn engaged in an argument with that night at Mardi Gras.

She quickly zeroes in on a photograph Vaughn keeps on his desk and realizes that she's seen the other man in the picture before. He was one of the ones who greeted Vaughn upon his release at the police station.

Vaughn is evasive and increasingly agitated. He won't give her any information (even about the name of the man who's pictured with him in that portrait!)

I was excited when Stevens headed to the health club to get a lead on the young man, but all we really see is owner Mike Masters telling her his name and how he'd been fired for stealing and hustling the customers. (Even Mike Masters is an honorary member of the Disaster Movie Club because of his appearance in Irwin Allen's Cave-In! Ha ha!)

Stevens informs Akins that her young man is a longtime troublemaker who's been hurting animals and people since he was a teen. She's convinced that the guy killed Sterling after she encouraged him to treat her roughly. But he won't let go of his current suspect.

Attempting to put a few things together, she enlists Anderson to help her in a bit of a setup. She has him call both Vaughn and his gym buddy and gets them to meet up. Then these two follow Vaughn to the place referred to by Anderson as only "he knows where."

At last we come to the "It Actually Happened" part! Vaughn drives to a local watering hole called Pinochio's. ("Aaaah... Lie to me, lie to me!") It's a gay bar!

Inside the dark, red-tinged hangout, a group of hustlers are doing the then-popular Hustle.

Vaughn is pleading with his former playmate to get together again. He's confused about why the guy called him. But we already know that he didn't! Now, had I not been paying careful attention to this point, I almost would have thought this young stud was Gary Sandy. But...

It turns out to be, of all people, Bruce Boxleitner!

Boxleitner has moved on to a new "friend" (and the dude in the sunglasses puts his hand under Boxleitner's arm to claim his territory.) Vaughn invites them both to come over to his place for a "party!" But this doesn't end the way he'd wished...

When next we see Vaughn, he's in his immaculate apartment preparing.

Even though their last meeting was rather contentious, he can't help himself from buying Boxleitner an airplane ticket to Miami under an assumed name ("Lawrence Vane") and outfitting him in some elegant duds of his.

In all honestly, nothing could have prepared me for a 1976 TV-movie in which Robert Vaughn and Bruce Boxleitner were presented as sex partners!

Vaughn is quite besotted and so he's virtually powerless to resist Boxleitner's charms, even considering his snarky, nasty personality.

He's only too happy to take anything and everything he can from Vaughn, including a wad of money.

These are very unusual roles for this pair of actors.

I found it pretty fascinating to watch the various adjustments from their ordinary body language and expressions as they took their turns at playing gay. Neither one is "flamboyant," mind you, just slightly different.

Boxleitner was in the early stages of his career, but this wasn't his debut. He'd popped up on a 1973 episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show and done some other projects. But 1976 would be the year he began to attract attention as he costarred on How the West Was Won.

Should you wish to take in this one hour and 12-minute mystery, it's free with ads in a really nice print on YT right here. Clearly, it goes down easier if you like the selection of performers who were cast in it.

::::BONUS PICS::::

This same year (1976), Boxleitner was cast in a TV-movie called The Macahans, which was developed into a spottily successful TV series in 1977, renamed How the West Was Won. From that point, he was on an upward career trajectory, with his own brief show Bring 'Em Back Alive, miniseries like Bare Essence and East of Eden (my favorite work of his) and subsequent series including Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Babylon 5.

We would expect no less, but Stevens embarked on a short-lived relationship with Boxleitner after they met on this project. Her son Andrew was only five years younger than Boxleitner! He ended up marrying an actress from How the West Was Won (who'd played his sister!) and then was famously wed for nearly a dozen years to Melissa Gilbert. He married for third (and last?) time in 2016.

During his time on Bring 'Em Back Alive, which was an adventure show based on the exploits of 1910s game trapper Frank Buck - hence the stache - Boxleitner was recruited to take part in Battle of the Network Stars. This was always our favorite TV program, thanks to the event coercing all the men into wearing Speedos for the aquatic events.

That same season (1982-83) was the time when "Fake Duke Boys" were temporarily brought in to replace the stars of The Dukes of Hazzard, including Byron Cherry, seen here.

The End!

But wait, there's more...!

Mr. B. led a very "clean" sort of career, with no nudity or raunch to speak of. But... In 1992, he was coerced into starring in a made-for-cable erotic thriller called Double Jeopardy, costarring Rachel Ward and Sela Ward (no relation - what are the chances!?)

He's in full Michael Douglas/Fatal Attraction (1987) mode as a man who cheats on his wife and it's followed by murder. If you are looking for this movie, the Youtube version has been clipped and cropped and has a blurry picture quality and so it a waste of time. These caps come from the site I visit more often and the print is good. Here is a link to the movie.

Anyway, he is seduced in the shower by Rachel Ward.

Then later gets out of bed with Sela Ward to answer the phone. And this is the sole instance of nudity in his career. (You can't say I don't do my research!)

Now it's really The End!

Poseidon Quickies: Bumpy Times

This is a "Quickie" because I simply don't have enough examples for it to be one of my llooonng posts devoted to that subject which draws so many readers to the Underworld. (Like bugs to a zapper! LOL) But I did stumble on enough that I could put together this mini collection. Our cover boy this time out is one Kevin Costner, who felt the need to show up a a film festival with his package out for inspection...! 

I remember back in the day when Movieline Magazine was still around, there was chatter that Costner kept trying to get full frontal shots in his movies, but that the producers and/or censors kept 86-ing the idea. (For Love of the Game, 1999, as an example reportedly had the moment filmed, but trimmed before release.)

Anyway, now that KC tends to head out in public with his corona visible, there's less wondering about what we may have missed in his 1990's movies. Ha ha!

Even a benign day of shopping can lead to a Kevin Jr sighting.

Speaking of shopping, I was watching an old ep of Knots Landing where Ted Shackelford was selling cars at Knots Landing Motors and had on some pretty snug trousers.

Shackelford is really not my type, personally, but he did set many a heart aflutter in the 1980s & '90s.

This li'l outfit lets viewers in on otherwise hidden appeal.

Here we find an episode of Bewitched, in which Elizabeth Montgomery is portraying zany Serena, Samantha's identical cousin. She enlists the singing & songwriting duo Boyce and Hart to perform a new song she's written.

Later, the guys are called upon to present the number. Bobby Hart is in the blue blouse while Tommy Boyce is wearing the fringe vest. Boyce & Hart wrote many hit pop songs in their day, chiefly for The Monkees (including my own all-time fave, "Valleri.") In the episode proper, it's not easy to see much of Boyce's clingy red pants.

This publicity shot, however, reveals - as Paul Harvey would say - the REST of the story! These gents also popped up on I Dream of Jeannie, a show similar in concept to Bewitched. Boyce is still with us today in his mid-80s, but, sadly, Hart committed suicide in 1994 at age 54 in the wake of agonizing health concerns.

It's not unusual to find John Ireland in posts that concern bulges and trouser snakes, Here, he's seen in the 1977 mess Satan's Cheerleaders wherein the raising of his arms reveals the outline of his third leg. 

On the subject of "It's Not Unusual," I give you Tom Jones in a shiny jumpsuit, during a TV special with Tony Bennett.

One doesn't typically associate these two with one another, though Jones once had his own TV series which paired him with a variety of other vocalists (and was also the source of some other bulge sightings.)

After finding the prior photo of this meet-up, I discovered this closer-cropped, somewhat clearer/sharper version, which is, uh, more detailed...

In later years, Tom wouldn't make us work so hard in order to see what was going on. LOL

While we're on the subject of music, take a gander at these ultra-tight pants belonging to Eddie Van Halen! When you look at him in the face (towards the top of the pics, if you need help!), doesn't he resemble his wife not long after this, Valerie Bertinelli??!

Here's another personage from the music biz. Recognize the young Ozzy Osbourne!?

I recently heard from a devoted reader who suggested two personalities for me to explore. One of them was the man shown above, singer-songwriter Andy Kim.

Kim was the vocalist behind the 1974 #1 hit "Rock Me Gently" and a number of other songs

Though there is scant evidence to be found, Kim was often seen in skin-tight pants, including this blurry filmed performance of "Gently." He rocked his pelvis back and forth in virtually all of his performances, no matter the song!

The Canadian (of Lebanese descent) also co-wrote and sang on The Archies' "Sugar, Sugar." 

The other example recommended to me is this man, Buster Jones, who served as the host of a music performance program called Soul Unlimited. Amongs the mic cord and the long strings of his jacket, one can still make up the details under his white trousers.

Here's a slightly closer look. Soul Unlimited was a Dick Clark production devised as a Black version of American Bandstand and an alternative to Soul Train, though it proved short-lived.

In the "Bet you didn't know" department, Jones was the voice of Black Vulcan, a member of The Super Friends beginning in 1977 when the producers wanted to diversify the heroes predominantly found on the series. Vulcan had a reasonable bulge, nothing like his voice portrayer! Ha ha!

Time to take a quick dip. This is French superstar Jean-Paul Belmondo, keeping the rudder in line.

During the desert location filming (which took several months!) of There was a Crooked Man (1970), the crew kept adding various accoutrements to Kirk Douglas' trailer, with some of the items including a fountain, a picket fence, a mailbox, signage and so on as a growing joke. Douglas enjoyed sunbathing on the makeshift lawn and also turned the situation into a photo op.

Rounding third and headed for home, I give you young Dack Rambo in a shot from his brief western TV series Dirty Sally. That's Jackie Coogan (Uncle Fester of The Addams Family) on the right.

Here's a closer look at the often bulging Rambo.

Y'all know we have a thing for Chad Everett in his iconic role of Dr. Joe Gannon of Medical Center.

For unknown reasons, the previously pristine DVDs for that show suddenly went to grainy, faded, inferior copies when it came to season six. This pissed me off!

Everett on duty usually wore a jacket and tie (when not in those delicious scrubs), but when off duty, he often slid into hilarious mod get-ups, some of which were very snug.

Seen here catching up to departing patient Joan Van Ark, the pants on this outfit were quite off the chain and the sunlight went looking for a sundial on his crotch area!

The notion that the DVD manufacturers would present downgraded source material at a time when we really want a sharp picture in enraging! But Everett's hidden talents shine through in any case...

Finally, we come to Robert Conrad of Black Sheep Squadron. The WWII series is hilariously infamous in that all the US Marines wear baggy uniforms and flight suits while Conrad's is painted on! It may have been so tight that he couldn't begin to fasten the built-in belt (or perhaps he just didn't want it in the way of his bouncing balls.)

One happy bonus of tuning in to this show is the possibility of laying eyes on a hunky extra or supporting player like this guy in blue!

You can see the assorted crew here, but the sight of Conrad, posing in his strenuously snug flight suit at every opportunity, keeps most of the focus.

You'd need an abacus (or a Texas Instruments pocket calculator) to determine the number of times during this reasonably brief series that Conrad was seen walking towards the camera in his onesie.

Then he'd land in a spot and pose the torso in a way to extend the line of his compact physique.

You know we also enjoy a well-placed beer bottle around here, too. If the burly blond in back seems slightly familiar, that's Dirk Blocker, whose father Dan Blocker was Hoss on Bonanza.

And with that I'm bottling up this post till next time!