Sickbed Fever Dreams! - Volume Three

Continuing on with this recent collection of oddball movies that made their way in front of my corneas while I was a prisoner on the couch following surgery, we come to one of the nuttiest ever! Adam and Eve: The First Love Story (1983) was an Italian flick which took the creation and spun it into a partial rip-off of both The Blue Lagoon (1980) and Quest for Fire (1981!) Thanks to some of the folks they brush up against in the tale, this was later re-titled "Adam and Eve Versus the Cannibals!" (Cannibal flicks had enjoyed their own run in grind-house cinema.) I'm always up for some Adam and Eve action, especially if Adam is played by somebody like the glorious Jorge Rivero. That wasn't the case this time out, but I still kept an eye peeled.

Things begin reasonably enough with the creation of the earth, followed by the introduction of man. In this rendition, Adam (played by Mark Gregory) comes crawling out of a disgusting, bloody sac (!) before emerging as the first specimen of mankind.

Gregory's real name was Marco de Gregorio. One year prior, he'd won a starring role in a film called 1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982), which featured several American actors. He was 18 at this point and had been a competitive Greco-Roman wrestler.

Gregory, as the story often goes, enjoys his idyllic surroundings, but becomes lonely.

One day along the seashore, he begins to fashion a companion out of sand.

Having completed her, he lies beside the figure in the sun.

Suddenly it begins to rain and he is eager to protect his newly-created partner from the elements.

So he climbs on top of the sand sculpture, only to have the rain wash away the debris to reveal... Eve!

Eve is portrayed by Andrea Goldman, whose only film credit this is. (It's surprising because she does demonstrate a level of acting finesse!)

Although it's filmed from a discreet distance, the filmmakers didn't "cheat" by having Gregory clad in flesh-toned undies or what-not. He was truly in the raw.

Gregory instructs Goldman to never eat from the forbidden tree, though she can't seem to understand why it's a big deal.

Eventually, thanks to the hypnotic pleas of a massive snake, she gives in and tries the fruit. Adam, remembering the adage that most men abide by still today - "Happy wife, happy life!" - goes ahead and digs in as well.

With that, they lie down for a snooze in what will unfortunately be their final night in paradise...

They are awakened by a horrendous windstorm and are cast out into a craggy, dirty wasteland. (This segment couldn't have been easy on the performers to film as they were naked all the time and being flayed by leaves, branches, etc...!)

Oh, lest I forget, one of the THE hootiest parts of this always nutty film occurs when Gregory and Goldman find themselves being chased, nude, down a gully by a humongous boulder!

The creators never met a hit movie they didn't wish to crib from and this part is straight out of Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) only without clothing...! (Or decent effects.)

Now ashamed of their bodies and clad in skins, the twosome roams the ragged landscape. You may (or may not) have trouble believing that they are attacked at one point by a pterodactyl! It's the first time they try meat for dinner...!

Then they find that they're not the only people on hand... A seriously ugly clan of cavemen and women take them prisoner.

As sometimes happens to young, fit, male prisoners, Gregory is felt up by some of his burly captors.

Once extracted from this predicament, A&E head off further into the wilderness. Here they meet up with some even more hideous "people."

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1977) anyone?

Even then, no one could get along together....

Then comes this one from the painted green tribe! This one takes a fancy to Gordon and she convinces him to wash off his verde covering to unveil his hunky Italian features.

And then some... But, oh, that $3.97 wig...

Gregory is not feeling the new relationship between "his" Gordon and the new recruit (who I have to admit is more my bag than Gregory was.)

The two engage in a hilarious knock-down, drag-out wrestling match with various faces and places being smashed up against one another.

The story is etched in stone, so I knew they weren't going to end up together...

In the end, Gordon leaves her fresh-scrubbed new guy for the more familiar Gregory.

The pair (soon to be three!) clad themselves in fur and head out to the tundra for some reason, living (un?)happily ever after... A lot more happens, including an underwater baby delivery (!), but I'll spare you that.

You may check out the cray-cray here, free with ads, should you wish to experience this film in all its glory.

Gregory's movie career only lasted until 1989, when he abruptly left to work as a painter. A sad footnote is that in 2013, penniless after a 2004 scam and out of the business for some time, he took his own life at only 31 via a drug overdose.

Sickbed Fever Dreams! - Volume Two

In our first installment, we marveled at the existence of a swamp drama called Sixteen that gave our bleary eyes pause during recovery from out-patient surgery. Before we could truly gather ourselves, up came another vintage "gem" that left us scratching our head once more. Oh, I'd heard of Doomsday Machine (1972) and knew that it had been lampooned on Cinematic Titanic (and featured on Elvira's Movie Macabre!) But I'd never actually watched it. It came to me because I'd recently watched Fear No More (1961), a rather taut thriller with Mala Powers. And once I saw who else was on board, I decided to take the plunge. Heretofore shown mostly in a blurred, faded, choppy print, for this viewing (free with ads here) I was able to see it in a rendition closer to what had been intended. BTW, the film's title, despite the poster above-right, has no "The" in it.

A little backstory... This movie was chiefly filmed in 1967 (by a cast who would have been "hot" in 1957), but the maker ran out of money. (The budget had already been $17.53, but they apparently needed $2.47 and couldn't scrape it together!) So years later, new footage was shot and the movie was cobbled together, being thrust upon unsuspecting viewers in 1972!

Part of the new footage consisted of this opening sequence in which an Asian female spy is attempting to gain entrance to a high security Chinese facility. (It's so high security that there is one guard with a dog and precious little else!) I really hate to give away secrets of espionage, but what happens here is that the gal tosses a live cat over the wall, the dog goes chasing after it, and she's able to scale the wall and hop in!

Next, she skulks along the presumably deserted grounds of this huge installation and is seen by... no one.

Entering a building and donning a lab coat for a disguise (!), she is nearly seen by a worker with side braids down to her chest.

Note to all top secret lab workers: Do NOT wear this hairdo! The spy uses the woman's own braided hair to strangle and kill her.

All this and more so that the spy can photograph the title object, a Doomsday Machine that threatens to blow up the world.

Now with the film proper back on the reel, we visit a control room for manned space flight. You won't believe who plays one of the radio men... front row, left.

Famed disc jockey, announcer and voice actor Casey Kasem! Zoinks!

A briefing concerning an all-important mission is underway.

Conducting the briefing are James Craig and Denny Miller. It concerns a trip to Venus (taking place in the far-flung future of 1975, it's explained that we can now get there faster than ever imagined...)

Back in the day, Craig was a handsome leading man, employed by several major studios. He was Ginger Rogers' love interest in Kitty Foyle (1940) and was leading man to Lucille Ball, Hedy Lamarr, Lana Turner and others.

This movie wasn't Craig's only low point of 1967. That same year, his third of four wives, now divorced from him for three years, killed her son (by a prior marriage) and then herself! He lived until 1985 when lung cancer claimed him at 74.

Amid a small throng of reporters is one particularly skeptical man. Seen in the center here, and given a few lines, is Mike Farrell, then at the dawn of his career and later to costar on M*A*S*H!

"I'll show you my Venus if you'll show me yours..."

"This next long distance dedication goes way, way out... all the way to Venus!"

Things start to look up a bit when we get to the astronauts for this mission to Venus. I don't mean Bobby Van, checking his own reflexes in front. (Anything for a gag.) I mean two shirtless guys dotting the background.

"Why, yes, I'd love to hitch a ride!"

Among the rest of the team is the unlikely Henry Wilcoxon, then 62!

Never pretty-boy handsome, Wilcoxon made for a tall, lean, surly leading man in a variety of 1930s movies, the bulk of which were for his mentor and extremely close associate Cecil B. DeMille.

Wilcoxon was Mark Anthony to Claudette Colbert's Cleopatra (1934) and played King Richard in The Crusades (1935.) He worked with and for DeMille until the great director retired. Wilcoxon kept working until the early 1980s, with a memorable turn as a deranged bishop in Caddyshack (1980), dying of cancer in 1984 at age 78.

At this point, what was happening behind him got my attention a little more...!

Same for Van, who never met a prop he couldn't ham it up with...

Anyway, a sudden announcement brings everybody's attention to the loudspeaker above.

We also meet still one remaining member of the team, Grant Williams (who we've previously written about in-depth here.)

That's not to say we still can't take a quick look at him during his glory days in his signature film, The Incredible Shrinking Man (1957.)

The team is informed that their mission launch has been accelerated and they're rushed into preparation for lift-off. All sorts of pre-flight checks are canceled in order to rush things along.

Miller arrives to reinforce the notion that the eventual mission is now going to occur within forty-five minutes!

Williams is established as something as an antagonist, challenging Miller right away.

But wait, there's more! A car arrives including new cargo that will be placed on board the rocket to Venus.

As a way of crushing my dreams of an all-male crew with no shirts on, it's revealed that three of the better looking men of the mission are about to be replaced. By three women!

In there place will be computer tech Lorri Scott, doctor of microbiology Ruta Lee and Russian pilot and survival specialist Mala Powers. (Are you buying these occupations?!)

We still don't know the exact emergency and why the rocket has to leave immediately, but for the moment we are a tad worried about the fluorocarbons in hairspray depleting the ozone layer!

Conveniently, despite this eleventh hour switcheroo, the rocket ship has four seats in one section (for the men)...

...and three seats in another area (for the women!) Ms. Lee defies some of the laws of physics by getting her hair piled into this helmet (though it appears to be riding high from the strain!)

Ditto for Powers. Note the 100% form-fitting outfits (complete with kicky silver boots) that just happened to be on hand for the gals...

Hideously grainy and distressed footage from a NASA space mission is used to depict lift-off.

Miller and the others can't help but take notice that Wilcoxon is faltering under the stress of space flight.

He's just about done for and no one will get out of his seat to do anything about it since another burst-filled leg of the journey is imminent.

Powers defies Miller's directive and leaves her seat in another area in order to put Wilcoxon on oxygen and keep him going. But she can't manage to twist the release valve! Thus, he's left gasping and waving his arm in the air...

...which creates something of a Jill Whelan moment!

Stalwart Miller has just the strong, action-figure-ish features to command the vessel, even vaguely resembling a hot toy of the era, a G.I. Joe in space gear. But Joe's helmet is far more authentic than the motorcycle helmet that's been issued to Miller!

Once the thrusters are off and they are on track to Venus, the gents revert to their little navy blue sweats suits.

Fortunately, Miller goes a step further than that and starts to peel out of his shirt.

A decent look at his torso is obscured by all the tape and wires of the biometric monitors that were applied back at the base.

Meanwhile, the girls are shucking off their spacesuits in their little area.

Unused to the need for personal privacy in space travel, Miller (along with Williams) bursts in, presumably to use the shower.

"You could knock," exclaims Miss Modesty.

He explains that it's going to be a long voyage with limited opportunities for discretionary living.

Scott is intrigued at the implications. Powers still hasn't fully recovered the smooth lines of her bouffant.

Powers explains that in Russia, they don't fret over such pedestrian concerns as modesty. Williams certainly doesn't seem to be aching over it as he eyes Scott.

There we go... Now Powers has fully achieved full lift-off when it comes to her follicles.

A bit later, Scott delights in drying herself off after a shower with Williams ogling her.

He turns it on strong and she's not exactly demure in her responses. She eventually gives in to his overtures and the two share a steamy kiss.

Meanwhile, Lee and Miller seem to be drawing closer as well, either in spite of or perhaps due to the sparks that seem to fly between them when they converse.

The two of them begin to hash out the situation, discussing the fact that the women were brought on board in order that humanity might continue to exist should the "doomsday machine" be put into use, wiping out Earth!

Over in another section of the craft, Van is serving up razor-thin trays of "dinner" to Powers and Wilcoxon. And it ain't pizza... more like pureed glop resting in TV dinner trays.

Any speculation over the inclusion of gals on the mission is put completely to rest when Miller looks into his telescope and sees...

...Earth being completely decimated! The inset photo (of an effect that probably cost $4.32) is questionable enough, but the other shots are preposterous! How could Williams see both the far away image of the planet exploding along with "you are there" viewpoints of tsunami and the like?!

A master class in acting follows as the gals realize that Earth - and all its inhabitants - no longer exists to return home to.

But it gets worse - or better, depending on your perspective. If humanity is going to continue at all, this small vessel has just become an ark of Adams and Eves!

Williams, who's never been one of the most reserved members of the crew (how did he pass the psychological exams?!) begins to decline rapidly, suddenly quoting old Susan Hayward movies - such as "I want to live!"

Van temporarily slips into shock, reminding Powers of a brother of hers who fell off of a barn (!) back in Russia, until Lee starts to slap him around a bit.

All the radiation stemming from nuclear Armageddon threatens to affect the crew of the mission until Wilcoxon advises two of the guys to hang up this wrinkled old curtain which cuts it by 95%!!

Next, everyone has to head to their seats because Miller discovers that their area is about to be pummeled by meteors from the explosive demise of their home planet!

An example of the Oscar-nominated special effects.

 

Powers gets a kick in the gut when she overhears that due to the danger of radiation and loss of fuel, they need to get to Venus two months earlier than the projected four months. This can apparently only be achieved if some of the crew members are "tossed overboard!"

 

All the drama has apparently gotten Williams horny. He decides not to wait until they get to Venus to try procreating. He grasps at Scott, ready to get it on, but is stopped short by a protective Van and the commanding Miller.

Apparently the expedited inclusion of the gals (which provided skintight spacesuits and fitted sherbet-tinged outfits) didn't allow for any sleepwear on board! (We're never treated to any shots of the men in slumber.)

Under the watchful eye of a gigantic boob light, Lee and Miller ponder their fate, having been informed that the computer will be deciding which four crewmates will be permitted to live and pursue life on Venus.

Williams gets a sneak peek at the readout, which doesn't appear to include him on the list of survivors, so he becomes even more deranged. He begins to attack Lorri, which she avoids for a moment by kicking him in the shin with one of her space boots.

This gives her time enough to flee... to an enclosed cargo hold!

Meanwhile, the others are ruminating on the decision made by the ship's computer.

Powers is out, and so is Van...

Presumably Williams is the third. But Van has grown very fond of Powers, so he's unhappy at the thought of being separated from her. (Permanently!)

As for the other couple, Williams chases after Scott in the cargo bay and wrestles with her near a knob on the wall.

Unfortunately, that doorbell isn't to announce any visitors... it's a release which will open the bay doors and expose nearby persons to unfettered outer space!

Oopsie!

"I'm going to kill my agent for this...!"

Thus, in two of the three cases at hand, a decision is made without any consideration for what the computer suggested...! This served as not only the death of these characters, but the death knell for their careers, practically, as well. Williams did a couple more low-rent movies, though this one was released last, and Scott had a couple of TV appearances and very little thereafter.

Even having off-loaded two people, the ship is still too heavy to safely make it to Venus and land properly. So all non-essential equipment is placed in that same cargo hold where Scott and Williams were flushed into space! It recalls The High and the Mighty (1954) a bit when the passengers had to bid farewell to all their luggage over the Pacific Ocean.

No sooner does Miller declare that, under the circumstances, all five of the remaining crew will fly to Venus than there's a short in a system on the outside of the ship!

Van offers himself up as the one who can fix it. But there will be no return to the ship. Miller nods to him in agreement that it's what has to be... (In case you're wondering, Wilcoxon is not being kept on the team because of his virility and sexual prowess. He's tagging along thanks to his wisdom!)

Before it's all said and done, Powers decides that she's not going to go to Venus without Van, so she dons a suit and heads outside the ship to join him!

They know that they're basically done for. Until he spots an abandoned Russian capsule nearby! They decide to board it and ride into Venus' orbit in that.

At this point, the already sketchy movie goes all whack-a-doodle. New footage of people in altogether different spacesuits, (opague) helmets, voices and personalities are suddenly essaying Van and Powers' roles (!) as they make their way in the hijacked Soviet capsule! It's just about the only way they could cobble the movie together, but the "actor" voicing Van is so hilariously bad that he sounds like he's narrating a Taster's Choice commercial or reading the news. By the time of the "twist" ending, the whole thing comes off as utterly pointless.

One one hand it's a shame that this film couldn't be completed as planned. Then at the same time, had it been done the original way, it surely would have slid into utter obscurity and not found its place as a heralded camp classic. This German poster not only has precious little to do with what appears on screen, but the "cast list" had me howling with all of its misspellings, incorrect monikers and so on...!

And, just in case anyone might have misunderstood amidst all my snarky remarks, I do happen to adore the divine Miss Ruta Lee, a sparkling, generous, sunbeam who is still with us today. At 89 years young, she is the epitome of a star who never leaves the house without looking the part. Her galaxy of glitzy ensembles have always been a delight to behold and duly compliment her effervescent personality.