It Actually Happened: Quiet! I'm "Speaking!"

If any of you, my loyal readers, are aware of this show, I will be - in a word - stunned. I have been a lifelong celebrity junkie and a lover of game shows and this project never once came my way. I had no idea on earth that such a thing ever existed. Yet here it is, in all it's garish glory, on my new home planet of Tubi!  

Relatively Speaking was a 1988 game show, which presented some everyday folks who happened to be closely or distantly related to famous people of show business, sports, science and history. 

The unlikely host of this opus was comedian and impressionist John Byner. While I can recognize some of his gifts, he's definitely never been one of "my people" and I never gravitated to any program because he was part of it. 

1988 was a peculiar time. The glitzy, gaudy 1980s were still in swing, yet that sort of thing was coming close to the end. I recall a National Enquirer article which said that Dynasty was going to be dressing down in some scenes, with jeans (!) on some of the characters. When that show was canceled in 1989, grunge was just around the corner and, for a time, it was downright difficult to locate any sort of glamor in the world. The clothing on Relatively Speaking most likely contributed to the backlash against '80s fashion to those who saw it! 

This was the show's panel for its inaugural episode.

Anne Bloom of the HBO satire series Not Necessarily the News.

Jamie Farr of M*A*S*H and AfterMASH.

Marsha Warfield of Night Court.

George Wyner of Hill St. Blues, Matt Houston and many other things.

These panelists, the host and the contestants were situated on the most aggressively ugly set ever employed on television, unless there's something out there worse! Ha ha!

Byner would then come out and greet the panel. In early installments, he went down the line, interacting with each one, which quickly became a burden since none of them had anything much new to say for five "days" in a row, especially when all five "days" were filmed in sequence on one!!

Next, he would announce the rules of the game. For this, he'd cut to a (badly) videotaped spot in which he assumed a costume, then affected an impersonation of someone famous or of a known stereotype. 

All of these spots were done on the Universal backlot, so that multitudinous backgrounds could be utilized. 

Often, he'd portray a female, usually not too well. Note the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica in the lower-right corner.

King Kong made multiple appearances along the way. 

I'm not aware of either Fay Wray or Jessica Lange threatening legal action...

...or Johnny Weissmuller's estate! As you can see, sometimes we saw more of Mr. Byner than we'd feared anticipated. 

See what I mean, Vern?

The show employed a lovely, blonde hostess by the name of Stacey Kim Haley who, apart from screaming in one episode of Freddy's Nightmares, was never seen or heard from again on screen. It was her job to escort guests to their seat and pull out their chair, but in the vast majority of cases, the participants almost RAN out of the door, leaving her to chase after them in heels...!

This particular man was the son of a famous Marx Brother. If a guest had the same last name as the famous relative, they'd be referred to as Mr. or Mrs. "X."

It also fell to Miss Haley to show off the prizes won by the guests, though this practice was quickly discarded, leaving her with virtually nothing to do but look pretty and try to avoid being barreled into by the guests...

She was, nevertheless, decorative and seemed like a very nice young lady. She was funneled into a never-ending assortment of flouncy 1980s get-ups.  

Sometimes, the relatives were recognizable themselves, thanks to cross-promotion publicity with their kids or siblings, so a piece of the set would roll out to prevent the panel from seeing who was on the other side. 

Back in the day, when there were more fan magazines and entertainment shows about, it felt like we knew the relatives of stars a bit more than we do now. I definitely knew this lady, without question, back then...

Choreographer Patsy Swayze popped up in many publicity items relating to her famous son. 

The panelists asked yes or no questions and so long as they got yeses, they could continue. A no sent it to the next person. After everyone had gotten two nos, the guest won the "Super Stumper Bonus." Thing was, there was a clue given, a pun, that nearly always gave away the subject in question! At least they did for me... I always looked away when the famous person's name was shown. Many times, however, the panelists acted like total morons who knew nothing. We were a far cry from What's My Line? here... 

Akin to What's My Line?, however, each episode ended with a relative coming on stage (behind the divider) with the famous celebrity in tow! The relative would answer questions as the actual famous person sat there quietly, often with amusing reactions. But this first one was a doozy... It was unexpected and, retroactively, gave the show a certain pall.

At the time this aired, Simpson was a much-beloved hero and on the cusp of a newfound success in movies, with The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988) in release. Arnelle was his eldest child (one of three) from his first marriage. He had two more children with his second wife, one born this year. 

Even then, police had been called to his house and it would only go downhill from there, with a 1992 divorce and a 1994 murder. This shot is rather chilling, regardless of the circumstances...

Moving on... No screen was used to obscure this woman, who I instantaneously knew was Rona Newton-John. 

The screen was used, though, in the case of Georgia Holt, mother of the famous singer-actress.

Celebs ranged from those nearing their twilight years....

...to those enjoying current success...

...to those which current fans of TV would be challenged to have ever even heard of!

As you can imagine, a binge-fest of Relatively Speaking is like a craptastical hamster wheel of famous and semi-famous people. 

Then came "fresh" panelists, like Pat Harrington Jr. of One Day at a Time.

Sally Strothers of All in the Family fame. 

Then there's this man, who I had never seen or heard of in my entire life... Turned out to be someone called Bill Kirchenbauer, a sitcom actor who wound up starring on a show I never once watched -- Just the Ten of Us.

Uncredited stylist for Miss Strothers' earrings and brooch in this instance was one Willy Wonka.

When Mr. LaLanne showed up, he was planning a physical fitness stunt which apparently didn't take place. (For his 70th birthday, four years prior, he'd towed 70 rowboats one mile to Long Beach Harbor! This was the last of many such feats he performed in his life.) 

He collided with Miss Haley, probably unused to having his chair pulled out by a lady! I had to chuckle at his specially-tailored suit, designed to show off his torso. 

This was the year before Miss Gabor's infamous run-in with a Los Angeles police officer. 

As seen here, even diminutive Billy Barty seemed to be able to outrun Haley on the way to the podium...!

The long-term showbiz vet was busy as ever. He'd done an episode of The Golden Girls a few years prior, playing Rose's father in a dream sequence. 

Bloom was the closest thing to a series regular, making it into most of the series episodes in that first chair. Here, she has somewhat tamed that wild mane of hair. 

This was a period of ridonkulous earrings and Bloom often served up some big ones. 

I never knew her as a redhead, by the way... I always thought she was blonde when I'd see her on NNTN.

Here, Bloom lives up to her name in a rather lunatic 'do. She really proved to be rather dim on this show, often giving up asap and only rarely figuring out the guests' identities. 

The inevitable Steve Allen. On one occasion, his wife Jayne Meadows was behind the screen with a relative and he failed to identify her! 

Isabel Sanford of The Jeffersons. I loved her on that show, but here she seemed like she barely knew her ass from a hole in the ground. 

Chuck Woolery of Love Connection.

Woolery, who has a tribute here, was one of my favorite game show hosts. I watched him on Wheel of Fortune, Scrabble and Greed. 

I was pretty surprised to see Maxene brought on to the show. 

The Andrews Sisters seemed always to be squabbling about one thing or another, either with one another or with an outsider. By this point, Max was living in a relationship with a younger woman, who she later adopted in order to allow for inheritance and medical consultation in those days prior to same-sex marriage.  

The screen was not used for this guest, who I immediately knew and who had enjoyed a career of her own! I knew her, though, solely thanks to another game show oddity I ran into not long ago -- Musical Chairs. 

Dee Dee Warwick was a longtime recording artist on her own and even received two Grammy nominations. (It was also alleged in a 2018 documentary that she had sexually molested two of her younger cousins, one of which was Whitney Houston!)

Chris appears to have inherited his father's crystal blue eyes.

Carol's football helmet 'do and those eyebrows, tho'...! ("Today's makeup by Ronald McDonald.")

More new panelists tossed into the mix. Zany Charlie Callas.

Amusingly suave Robert Mandan of Soap and Three's a Crowd.

Petticoat Junction's Meredith MacRae, by now a well-liked Los Angeles entertainment correspondent. 

This one floored me, too. The screen was not used. The panel was not supposed to recognize this guest. And, they didn't....! But I knew her on sight! 

I mean, even if one didn't know who she was in relation to her famous parent(s), she'd worked as an actress for two decades, including stints on The Secret Storm and The Doctors as well as prime-time TV. But it had been a decade since her last on screen acting credit. 

It's Judy Lewis, "adopted" daughter of Loretta Young who in actuality was the real daughter of Young and Call of the Wild (1935) costar Clark Gable. Apparently this was one of the worst-kept secrets in Hollywood and Lewis had her Gable-like ears worked on (and favored a hairstyle like this one to cover them further...) 

At this point in 1988, Lewis hadn't yet penned her book Uncommon Knowledge, which revealed her mother's long-buried secret. When the tome hit stores in 1994, the two didn't speak for three years, but eventually settled their hash. 

As the series went along, a number of old-time sitcom stars, whose faces were still seen in their original states thanks to endless reruns, were brought on to stump the panel. I straight up thought this was a young Kelsey Grammar with "Gilligan" at first glance!

The older brother from The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet.

Though he was most famous as a child, Mathers was then enjoying a bit of a resurgence with The New Leave It to Beaver, which ran on WTBS from 1986-1989.

In fact, his longtime TV mother appeared later on as well. 

"Chump don' want da help, chump don' get da help!" (IYKYK)

Here, I thought "Dobie" had married Lisa Whelchel! LOL 

Hickman, who'd been off-screen for a little while, was making a brief return with the TV-movie Bring Me the Head of Dobie Gillis that year. 

I'm sure most of you recognize ageless teen idol Frankie Avalon. He'd just made Back to the Beach in 1987. What a head of hair he had. But look.....! 

With him was his incredible brood of children, none of who was folically-challenged in the slightest! Sweet mother....

Recognize this gal? 

Now? 

NOW?

No, it's not Morgan Fairchild. It's her surprisingly similar-looking sister Cathryn Hartt, who had a middling career playing roles like "Waitress," "Secretary" and "Teleprompter Girl" and who now does a podcast with her sibling. I have trouble lasting through many eps because of a) the endless laughter at nothing and b) the interjections of Hartt, who is not in any way as famous or familiar as Fairchild. 

Apart from Bloom, Miss MacRae probably came as close to being a regular panelist as anyone. I always thought she was so genteel and respectful. Her voice was calming and her manners so polite.  

She also subscribed to a practice I've always admired which is to change up ones look often when filming five days in one. She didn't want to look exactly the same throughout a week's worth of shows. It was very sad to see her pass away in 2000 at only age 56 from brain cancer.

Paul Kreppel was the smarmy lounge pianist on It's a Living throughout the '80s. (I was never able to enjoy or get into that show for some reason. Perhaps it was because I was then in restaurant work and didn't like the way that was presented?)

Though he's worked on several other things here and there, including stage, that show is his claim to fame. I found him sort of appealing here.

Naturally, the screen was drawn when Sly's mama showed up, decked to the hilt in her signature accessories. 

There's a lot going on here. I don't know which came first, the chicken...

...or the egg! (Do y'all remember these commercials Dame Joan did for Holiday Health Fitness Center - aka Jack LaLanne? I recall her saying, "Unfortunately dahlings... even I have to pay my dues.")

I don't know why, particularly, but I was surprised to see Helen Reddy as one of the celebrity guests. 

Having undergone an acrimonious divorce several years prior from her manager-husband (who had a significant cocaine habit), her recording career had fallen apart and she was doing a lot of stage performing. This husband was a drummer in her band. 

Another singer whose (fifth) husband served as her manager was "Queen of Country Music" Wynette. At this time, she was out of rehab for about two years (for prescription drug addiction) and had lived a roller-coaster existence. 

Though this union was controversial (he was referred to by some as controlling, greedy and emotionally abusive), it did last from 1978 until her death 20 years later. Success with songs closer to her roots came not long after this, but I can never forget when, three years after the show, she recorded with the electronic band KLF - a song called "Justified and Ancient!"

What a hoot to pull the lid off the tank and find the always delightful Jane Withers...! 

When you look at her here, you may be able to forgive me for, as a kid, completely confusing her with the great Ann Miller....! 

More new panelists in the mix, including To Tell the Truth vet Tom Poston, then in the midst of his long run on Newhart.

Alongside him, quiz show staple Marcia Wallace, who'd had her own run with Mr. Newhart on The Bob Newhart Show. 

Character actor Howard Morton had enjoyed several seasons on Gimme a Break! and was now doing shows such as this and Super Password.

Cutting fashion expert Mr. Blackwell, famous for his annual best and worst dressed lists appeared. I wonder what he thought of Haley's off-the-shoulder number. 

It was rather fascinating to see someone I thought everyone knew completely stump the panel. They could not produce his name... 

Hamilton was an innovative, highly-talented, very positive figure on the ice and went on to a successful career as a commentator, but something about him always left me a bit unsettled. 

I think it was, especially with this awful haircut, because he reminded me of Cha-Ka from Land of the Lost, a kids series that petrified me as a child...

In the 1970s and '80s, the Landers Sisters seemed to be all over the place. I really was never all that hot on them, but later began to appreciate them, especially Audrey (in pink.) 

In spite of their image, they were actually extremely bright and were raised to be ladies. Anytime I see Audrey (who's aged beautifully) today in interviews, I leave impressed.

As you can see, Billy Barty was not the only celebrity guest of diminutive stature to appear on Speaking. 

You may not believe this, but Villechaize and Barty actually got into an argumentative dust-up because Herve preferred being called a "midget" while Barty preferred the term "dwarf!" Today, I'm not sure that either term would endear the user to many folks. Note that the relative here is his EX-wife! 

Regardless of the charm he projected on Fantasy Island, Villechaize was often a temperamental and sometimes explosive personality (and a serial womanizer!) Anne was the first of two wives (both marriages short-lived) and it was indeed nice that they could remain friendly in the wake of their failed union.

Still more new panelists, this time Robb Weller. Once of Entertainment Tonight, he later became a newscaster and the host of some talk and game shows.

Let me give you the facts... This is Charlotte Rae of The Facts of Life. She really bungled her way through this game and came off quite scatterbrained. 

There was one pretty memorable moment when she and the others were stumped by the identity of a celebrity guest...

...it was this young lady!

Fields and Rae had costarred together for many years on The Facts of Life! By the way, I had no clue that Kim's mother Chip was the actress who played Janet Jackson's abusive mother on Good Times and also costarred with Nicholas Hammond on The Amazing Spider-Man!

At least the episode did afford a sweet reunion of the two performers. In 2001, they'd appear together again in the TV-movie The Facts of Life Reunion. 

Still meeting new panelists, in this instance Laugh-In's Dick Martin.

Edie McClurg of The Hogan Family, who basically could never do any wrong as far as I'm concerned.

As you can see, the pastel colors of the set were then-hot. This woman (who's relative was a bit surprising!) is wearing all of them except yellow all at once herself. 

Already by this point, the show was sort of beginning to fold in on itself. This young man had a famous father. But his older brother and mother had already appeared previously!

This is Michael Goulet, lookalike son of Robert Goulet, whose mother Carol Lawrence was an earlier guest.

I can never forget when Rose Marie was asked if she wanted to take part in The Dick Van Dyke Show and her reply was, "What's a dick van dyke??" 

If you've never seen it, I can recommend the 2017 documentary on her called Wait for Your Laugh, on which a friend of mine worked who knew Rose Marie well. It's very nicely done. And now, to one of Hollywood's most undeniable bitches...

Ha ha! See what I did there? 

At the time of this show, Lassie was in preparation for The New Lassie, a two-season update of the old show. Christopher and Dee Wallace Stone were the human stars and Jon Provost, the prior child owner of Lassie, also appeared. 

Panelist Peter Marshall of Hollywood Squares.

Actress and singer Sheila MacCrae (Meredith's mother) came on as a panelist and was, like a few others, all over the place. There are still episodes of Relatively Speaking which I have not watched, but I'm going to end here, perhaps returning with more pics as I continue to burn through the series. But I'm ending on a high note (and I did skip ahead for it. Couldn't help myself!) 

Although I have never written about it, I consider Howie Long to be just about the best looking man to play NFL football ever. His only real rival for that title to me would be the gloriously handsome Frank Gifford. 

His 3 year-old son was called upon to answer the panel's questions, though in most of the cases, he had to be prompted by having Long whisper in his ear. 

This episode basically skyrocketed to my favorite one simply by the presence of Mr. Long in it. When he did a series of Hanes sock commercials back in the day, this same son Chris appeared in them with him.

He looked great from any angle...

...but that smile was downright electric. Two of Long's three sons went on to play NFL football while the third worked as a scouting and personal assistant.

::: BONUS PICS :::

 

Howie was a nice enough looking young man as a college player, but at this point had not developed his signature look. 

Even during his early time as a pro, he looks great, but had yet to really pop as he soon would.

Now we're talking...  

This bod took quite a beating during his thirteen years with the Raiders, but he won many accolades, including becoming a Super Bowl champion. 

In addition to sock commercials, Long also did Hanes underwear ads, but the internet has practically been scrubbed of evidence of this...!

In this 1997 interview, he reflects on several things, including the conditions of posing for underwear advertisements. I swear to you, just the sound of his voice is enough to make me nearly keel over...! He's so well-spoken, moral and appealing. This was just as he was dabbling in movie acting.

His debut as a leading man was not exactly a smashing success. Originally earmarked for Sylvester Stallone, it was shifted into a smaller-budgeted film following the bankruptcy of its initial investors.

But he surely looked good doing it. 

Eventually, he settled in as a valuable commentator and analyst for football, earning an Emmy award in the process. 

Some of you may know him from a long-running series of commercials for Radio Shack, which he did with Teri Hatcher. Many viewers believed that these two were a couple, even though he has been happily married to the same woman since 1992. 

With age came the addition of eyeglasses to this always handsome and stylish man. I will wrap up with two professional photos taken as he was segueing from the football field to the world of Hollywood. How he failed to make it is anyone's guess because he certainly had all the necessary components. Perhaps he was born too late.  

Till we meet again...!