It Actually Happened: The Carpenters... in SPACE!

Ask yourself... Outside of a biker bar, a Diddy baby-oil freak-off or in the front row of a Megadeath concert, where is the last place you would expect to find sibling pop stars Karen and Richard Carpenter? For me, the answer was - in outer space! LOL But, it actually happened. Here in the Underworld, where Lawrence Welk is a demigod and we have the entire series of The Captain and Tennille show on DVD, there's no 1970s variety show or TV special too low for us to discover and enjoy. And today's featured gem fits that bill exquisitely!  

The Carpenters were a brother-sister act who took the music industry by storm with a long string of mostly gentle-sounding hit pop songs that soon became mainstays of soft rock and "oldies" stations as well as favorites of piped-in music for restaurants and elevators. I don't mean that as an insult. They were just perceived as squeaky-clean, safe and acceptable to a mass audience.

Full disclosure on my part is that I always found Richard and Karen rather creepy. They were nevertheless very popular, and - apart from this shot - smiling, amiable, happy and very safe. Richard was a musical genius and Karen had an astonishingly pristine voice filled with nuance and remarkable range and pitch. After overcoming a deep shyness, she emerged from behind the drums of their band to become the featured focus of the act. As it happened, the ever-present smiles did cover up some sad situations in their lives, so I guess I wasn't 100% delusional when, as a teenager, I felt there was something a bit amiss amid all the rainbows and sunshine.

To begin our look at today's featured program... Things begin ordinarily enough. The duo is in the studio laying down the number "Sweet Sweet Smile."

'Course the verisimilitude is immediately interrupted when we find that their sound man (and apparent lifelong friend) is rubber-tongued, wacky comic Charlie Callas!

Oh no! Next thing we know, The Carpenters apparently have a target on their back!

The siblings are under surveillance from a spaceship far above! Some of the crew members on board just cannot help themselves and are dancing along to the musical stylings of their target.

This special aired in May of 1978, so, no, it wasn't Christmastime! I refer to these Terpsichoreans as "The Phyllis Diller Dancers."

In charge of the flight, who else, but Suzanne Somers and John Davidson...

After a sequence in which their musical instruments begin playing on their own, Karen and Richard are startled to see the beginnings of a figure materializing before them.

Beaming into their studio is Davidson, sporting his best Lycra jumpsuit and Herbal Essence-scented hair. (The show was sponsored by that shampoo brand.)

Yep. The Carpenters...Space Encounters is not your grandmother's TV special.

Far from being alarmed (or very surprised, really), The Carpenters look on at the visitor who's just materialized in front of them and all Karen can do is remark on how he's "kinda cute." (Richard is on the fence and provides a "so so" gesture.)

I couldn't figure out for the life of me what the insignia on Davidson's chest was. I thought at first it was an "okay" hand sign, then I thought it might be the Playboy bunny icon. Neither proved true, as I will demonstrate later.

Davidson explains that he's from another planet (Plutarious, from what I could tell.) The citizens put all of their focus on technological advancement, foregoing the development of art and music. They have sought out The Carpenters in order to explore new ways of expressing themselves through song.  

He reveals that he's got various stages of the group's musical development on video (!) and that he can show them their very early work, performing at a high school dance.

Orbiting above is Somers, who follows Davidson's instructions to provide transmission of the tape to him and his new pals.

Somers was fresh into her stratospheric success on Three's Company and plays a character not terribly unlike Chrissy Snow, though her role here is more interested in shallow pursuits like hair, nails and clothing than the more down-to-earth Chrissy tended to be. Regardless of the heavy makeup and garish styling, I think Somers was at or near her highest level of physical appeal here. She's eye-popping.

Anyway, soon enough we see the high school dance. (Judging from the big C on the lettermen's sweaters, are we to gather it was Carpenter High??) There's a brief snippet of "Da Do Ron Ron," followed by...

...Richard crooning, with a heavy Connecticut accent, The Beach Boys' "Fun, Fun, Fun," which is quickly followed by "Dancin' in the Street" with Karen weaving amongst and occasionally joining in with the dancers.

Barely recovered from the electricity of this blast from the past, Davidson decides he wants to give singing a try. He requests that Somers provide him with a duly romantic setting for his number.

Not situated in what appears to be a large terrarium, Davidson can start in on his song.

In the slightly gooey, loungy way he regularly performed on The John Davidson Show, he slides into "Just the Way You Are" With his zipper undone close to his belly button, he's halfway home to changing out of that get-up!

The florid arrangement of this originally rather simple Billy Joel hit, paired with Davidson's "Here comes my big moment" vocal is something truly out of this world.... 

Now we're transported back in time to a rehearsal in The Carpenters' garage.

Karen sings "Goofus" while razor-precise vocal backup accompaniment eerily appears from... who?!?! The bandmates? (In truth, it was she herself, overlaid on top of her lead vocal, singing backup for herself.)

What follows is a jaw-dropping six-minute medley of music from Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) and Star Wars (1977) with an orchestra of about 30 or so pieces!

Young Carpenter skillfully tickles the ivories as the orchestra lushly backs him up. It's a moment that would've put Richard Clayderman on suicide watch. And one can barely imagine time like this being devoted to instrumental music in a one-hour network TV special. That said, sci-fi movies, and their music, were the rage at the time, so that's the reason why it went on.

Next we find Karen recalling the early days when she'd hang out in a trash-strewn alley (fully gowned!) while waiting for her brother to set up the equipment. She plaintively performs "Little Girl Blue."

But enough of these earthly scenes... We're now at the point where things are about to take off. (Speaking of taking off. Callas wouldn't have to expend much effort to take off his shirt, which is already undone halfway, as was the trend at that time!) Davidson informs the earthlings that he has a nightclub on board his ship (!) called The Galaxy Room. He invites them to beam up and join him there. Karen says they ought to split...

...so, taking her quite literally, that's what Davidson does!

Richard has to inform Davidson of the slang term so that he can pull himself together and get them up to where the action is.

And so, just like that, the four of them are beamed up to The Galaxy Room.

This space mission was formed in order to help correct the oversight that his species made when advancing their society. They concentrated on science and neglected art. And it shows...! Ha ha ha!!

Why a spaceship on a mission to discover the art of music already has an existing nightclub, and roster of entertainment, is one of those plot holes best left alone.

Joining them in all the fun is a newly-changed Somers, whose hair is now even more jacked-up and whose earrings look like they were once hood ornaments on a Lincoln Town Car!

First act on the bill is this trio of fan-dancing robots, clanking around to the strains of a bump 'n grind strip song. I never did figure out if they were or were not supposed to be performing in sync instead of completely "off" in their movements.

Rather perversely, Callas begins to fall for one of them! Richard and Karen take note of this over sips from various beverages that resemble Formula 409 or Janitor in a Drum!

Now Richard is called up to play and sing "Piano Picker." During the opening of this song, he demonstrates some odd sounding "s" sounds that seem like an untreated impediment?

If you're into him, you'll be glad to know that he too backs himself up on vocals and even has a four-part split-screen during it.

There must have been a determination that this special wasn't tacky enough (!), so suddenly we get Karen and Suzanne performing a duet, "Man Smart, Woman Smarter," while flailing fringed shawls around.

I simply couldn't help letting my mind wander during this number at the notion of generally demure Karen performing alongside the outwardly sexy Somers with both of them in body-hugging polyester get-ups. Not that Karen looks bad in any way. Just the dichotomy of it and what she might have been feeling. 

I think the deer-in-the-headlights expression says a lot.

In the aftermath of the prior song, Davidson croons "Dance in the Old Fashioned Way."

He and Karen dance cheek-to-cheek. In real life, these two developed a friendship that even resulted in a couple of chaste dates (according to him, only some shy goodnight kisses.) She was comfortable enough with him to have him on a later special, The Carpenters: Music, Music, Music.

During and after this, Richard turns his own attention to Somers. This is where an already campy program soars into the camp stratosphere... Without any warning, he goes from singing sweetly to her to introducing...

...a DISCO SQUARE DANCE! The Phyllis Diller dancers gyrate around to a rendition of "Turkey in the Straw" that's been amped up with a disco beat!! This is for those people who were not properly traumatized by Florence Henderson singing a disco version of "That Ol' Black Magic" on The Paul Lynde Halloween Special in 1976!

Then, as if possessed by an unseen warlock, Richard and Karen are compelled to take part in a presentation of "The Hustle!"

This is followed by the principals ambling about while Karen performs "Boogie Nights." If you were to strain vanilla ice cream through a colander, then put that substance through a wire-mesh sieve, then pour what remains through a paper coffee filter, that remnant is the amount of soul that is present in this iteration of "Boogie Nights!" This is punctuated by a rendering of "I Could Have Danced All Night."

Now marked safe from any more disco-infused medleys, the cast convenes for one final chat.

The show itself is not quite over, however. The Carpenters and that orchestra are back.

They perform "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft," one of their most unusual offerings. Originally done by a Canadian band called Klaatu, it was certainly timely in the wake of the sci-fi craze that overtook the world around this time. It was also a big hit in the UK and Ireland. But in the US, it didn't enter the top 30 of the Billboard chart and signaled a decline for the duo. They'd have only one more top 20 hit ("Touch Me When We're Dancing," three years later, which made it to 16.)

Only in the '70s could such startling combinations of people and projects come to fruition. Rare is the performer who didn't star or guest star in a variety special. Even rarer is the star who got through such an experience unscathed! Of course I hungrily watch every one that comes my way...

This special is uploaded to YT by a devoted fan in its entirety right here. It is slightly off-sync in picture versus sound, but I didn't find it so bad that I wasn't able to remain engaged. (Other, less visually clear, versions are on there, too, broken into parts.)

As anyone knows who hasn't been living under a rock, Karen Carpenter, despite the smiles, had a pretty tormented time of it in real life. Though close to her family, the bulk of the attention and admiration had been steered towards her brother by their parents and she developed into a very insecure person, despite possessing a voice that gave (and still gives) millions of people great pleasure. A sole marriage soon came unraveled after it was discovered that her husband had received a vasectomy without telling her, when she longed to be a mother. Her life was eventually cut short due to heart failure associated with her prolonged battle with (the then lesser-known afflictions) anorexia nervosa and bulemia. She was 32.

::: BONUS PICS :::

Much of Ms. Somers' work on the special was done all alone, with only communicator conversations with Davidson from her post. A fair amount of publicity pics were taken of her in her skimpy get-up as she was really becoming a hot TV property at this time.

This one shows a clear picture of the insignia that she and Davidson wore on their chests. Always a sucker for anything glitzy, I loved her bracelets/cuffs!

Judging from some of the expressions here, I don't think everyone was quite ready for the pic to be snapped...! As you can see, Richard was also very, very slender, though his issues were not diet related. He was plagued with insomnia and began taking, then abusing sleeping pills and Quaalude, eventually entering rehab for this.

Here we have a more cohesive cast photo with everyone smiling and in place.

Somers and Davidson weren't total strangers when they did the special together. She'd appeared on The Tonight Show when he was filling in for Johnny Carson. Note her affection even then for wrist cuffs! Davidson's name has a haunting quality where I'm from because he was the headliner at a local supper club in which a fire broke out and claimed 165 lives. It was in my small hometown and for at least a year afterwards his name remained on the marquee, being driven past and seen on a daily basis. (The site remained vacant for nearly 40 years, with new homes being built there only within the last year.)

Some folks may have forgotten that Davidson (now 83) followed in the footsteps of Mr. Burt Reynolds by posing as the centerfold in February, 1974 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. (It was a double-sided centerfold. See below for the flip-side.)

Jim Brown offered an alternate chunk of beefcake.

Editor Helen Gurley Brown announced the selection during a campy, now long-forgotten, press conference featuring the two men! And now I think that's enough shenanigans for one day. Till next time!