"Square"-ing Off - Volume 2

We're back, my dumplings, with another assortment of Hollywood Squares "zingers." We offered up some of these previously and many seemed to enjoy them so now we continue on with more. Maybe they will get your weekend started with a chuckle. Most of the ones in this batch come courtesy of that court jester in the center square, Paul Lynde, though I do try to mix it up when I can. He just tended to get the best of the writers' responses and, of course, delivered them with a zany, curmudgeonly twist. And here also is another one of host Peter Marshall's nutty get-ups. Now let's tic, tac, toe our way on to the questions and answers!

PETER MARSHALL: "Your house just burned down... Who's more upset about it, you or your wife?"
PAUL LYNDE: "Oh, I am... I'll miss her terribly..."
(real answer: men.)

PETER: "What should you tell a 14 year-old boy who insists that he has no interest in girls?"
PAUL LYNDE: "Your slip is showing...!"
(real answer: Nothing. He still has a lot of time to work up to an interest...) BTW, I'm still waiting! LOL

PETER: " What great composer once told us, in song, 'I Get Along Without You Very Well?'"
SONNY BONO: "Hmmm... Those words are familiar."
(real answer: Hoagy Carmichael.) Sonny's famed marriage to Cher had recently ended...

PETER: "Are Las Vegas showgirls now regretting the silicone implants they had done in the past?"
DEBBIE REYNOLDS: "Oh, I dunno... just that it's slipped and made their ankles really big..."
(real answer: Yes. Reports from Las Vegas doctors say that many problems are cropping up [ - "or down, whatever the case may be!" as ad-libbed by Peter.])

PETER: "According the the World Book [Encyclopedia], what is the main thing we get from Honduras?"
PAUL: "You got it, too??"
(real answer: Bananas.)

PETER: "In the great novel, Robinson Crusoe called his new friend Friday because he did something nice for him on a Friday? What did Friday do for Robinson Crusoe?"
MIKE CONNORS: "Well... He'd been there a long time before he found Friday, hadn't he? ... It wouldn't be that, I don't think."
(real answer: He saved his life from the cannibals.)

PETER: "What is the major cause of itching in old folks?"
PAUL: "Eating shredded wheat in bed."
(real answer: Excessive dryness due to loss of body oils.)

PETER: "In song, she has a brow that is furrowed and wrinkled with care... who is she?"
PAUL: "Oh... Eydie Gorme...."
(real answer: Mother Machree.)

PETER: "Do experts ever recommend putting mayonnaise in your hair?"
WAYLAND/MADAME: "I was at a place the other night and there was a flash fire at a Dynel wig party... it was terrible!"
(real answer: Many beauty experts say it works as a great conditioner.)

PETER: "True or false, you've probably spent about a third of your life... in bed."
PAUL: "I've got a list of references as long as your arm...!"
(real answer: Yes.)

PETER: "According to food experts, where exactly should you place your turkey thermometer?"
TINA TURNER: "Is this the family hour? The breast."
(real answer: In the leg, in the center of the inner thigh muscle.)

PETER: "Are there exercises you can do to prevent your bosoms from sagging?"
PAUL: "Yes, but it requires pierced ears and some kite string..."
(real answer: No.)

PETER: "You have some lipstick on your collar... Will treating the stain with petroleum jelly help?"
GEORGE GOBEL: "I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick..."
(real answer: Yes.)

PETER: "You're marrying a man who's been married before... is it all right to wear a veil?"
PAUL: "Naw, I'm just gonna wear a baseball cap..."
(real answer: Yes.)

PETER: "According to experts, does anything really good happen to you when you stand on your head?"
VINCENT PRICE: "Oh yes, I found out how my housekeeper keeps her stockings up!"
(real answer: Yes, you get an added flow of blood to the brain.)

PETER: "True or false, the size your goldfish will grow to is influenced by the size of the bowl you keep him in."
JOAN RIVERS: "If that's so, I'm going to buy over-large brassieres from now on..."
(real answer: Yes.)

~~~ BONUS PICS ~~~

I leave you with a few shots of some ladies who caught my attention while watching (but were not willing or able to come up with anything glib to say most of the time.

Miss Sandra Dee!

Britt Ekland!

Pamela Hensley

Petula Clark!

Miss Pearl Bailey!

The Merm!

Shirley Jones (who I hope was with child when she selected this Clarabelle the Clown ensemble...)

Connie Stevens

Miss Pam Grier!

Amanda Blake

Fantabulous Lee Grant!

...and that enduring national treasure, Miss Dolly Parton!

"Square"-ing Off! - Volume 1

As of late, my treadmill time has been wiled away watching vintage episodes of Hollywood Squares, the venerable game show that had contestants playing tic tac toe with nine celebrities housed within a large game board. Toothy, trendily-dressed host Peter Marshall would ask a question (True or false, multiple choice or otherwise) and the celebrities would give an answer that the contestants would either agree or disagree with in order to win an X or an O. But generally, the celebrity would pop off with a "zinger" - a deliberately wrong answer than had a comic slant to it. There have been collections of zingers on YouTube and in the 1970s there was even a record album of them released for sale! Most of the best ones came courtesy of Paul Lynde. (Well, from the show's writers, but delivered by Lynde.) In an unusual twist, which made the remarks spontaneous - or sometimes cracked up the celeb before they could say it because it finally made sense to them - the zingers were told to the stars before they ever heard the questions! Below are a small collection of zingers that are, perhaps, not as famous as the ones that have made the rounds again and again. These are all from the late-1960s to the mid-1970s. Hopefully, they bring a smile to your face as they did mine.

PETER: "Vertical lift, suspension and truss... are all kinds. Kinds of what?"
PAUL LYNDE: "Shorts..." (underwear)
(real answer: bridges)

PETER: "According to Raquel Welch, can you be flat-chested and sexy?"
ROSE MARIE: "Well, it works for Paul Newman..."
(real answer: Yes)

PETER: "Does Hank Aaron say that anything ever gave him a bigger thrill than breaking Babe Ruth's home run record?"
MILTON BERLE: "Yeah... He broke Lola Falana's record."
(real answer: Yes; hitting his last home run before leaving the Atlanta Braves)

PETER: "In Little Bo Beep, what did the famous sheep leave behind them?"
PAUL LYNDE: "Well, Simple Simon thought they were breadcrumbs...."
(real answer: their tails)

PETER: "What is the major reason that birds fly south for the winter?"
MARTY ALLEN: "It's easier to hit people when they're lying on the beach..."
(real answer: lack of food)

PETER: "Richard Burton always has a long, curved crease pressed into his pants to draw attention away from something... What?"
DEBBIE REYNOLDS: "I'd have to talk to Tom Jones..."
(real answer: his bowed legs)

PETER: "Your husband Edgar has been talking in his sleep. According to Ann Landers, should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?"
JOAN RIVERS: "And how... His secretary is a guy!"
(real answer: no)

PETER: "It's popular nickname is The Playground of Europe. Where is it?"
MALTER MATTHAU: "Zsa Zsa Gabor's living room."
(real answer: Switzerland)

PETER: "In the dairy business, what does a farmer call a cow who won't give milk?"
CHARLIE WEAVER: "Every name in the book!"
(real answer: a dry cow)

PETER: "How many men on a hockey team...?"
PAUL LYNDE: "About half!" (followed by probably the longest sustained laughter ever from the others there.)
(real answer: six)

PETER: "Is Billy Graham considered to be a good dresser?"
PAUL LYNDE: "No, but he's a terrific end table!"
(real answer: yes)

PETER: "If someone is trying to inculcate you, what would they be trying to do?"
EVA GABOR: "You're sure it's the night-time show...? We can say it?"
(real answer: teach you something.)

PETER: "True or false? Studies at the University of Wisconsin show that you will live longer if you love only one man or woman at a time...?
PAUL LYNDE: "But it is all right to alternate...?"
(real answer: true)

PETER: "True or false; your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's..."
PAUL LYNDE: "Look who's talking, beaver face!"
(real answer: true)

PETER: "Howard Cosell's mother confides that little Howard began doing something at the age of 9 months that he's still known to do quite a bit of today. What is it"
BOB NEWHART: "Washed his hair in Woolite"
(real answer: talk)

PETER: "According to the San Francisco Examiner, what land animal has the biggest eyes of all?"
RICH LITTLE: "That's Carol Channing."
(real answer: horse)

PETER: "As dinner host, the first person to be served wine is the one on your _____. Your what?"
DOM DeLUISE: "On your lap!"
(real answer: right)

PETER: "Statistically, what's the world's favorite fruit?"
JOHN AMOS: "Are we referring to Hollywood?"
(real answer: banana)

Amos' expressions did more than his answers, actually. I couldn't resist a second one from the same ep.

PETER: "According to a report in Medical Times Magazine, what was listed as the best exercise in terms of health benefits?"
JOHN AMOS: "Which magazine...??"
PETER: "Medical Times:
JOHN AMOS: "Oh..."
(real answer: jogging)

And lastly came this hooty one. I'll be back again in the future with others as we move into the late-70s...

PETER: "According to Playboy, what is the minimum number of sets of underwear a man should have in his wardrobe? 8, 12 or 16?"
MICHAEL LANDON: "I wish Pa [on Bonanza] would let us have underwear just to start out with... Sets? Oh, 'cause I don't even wear 'em one pair at a time."
(real answer: 12)