Poseidon Quickies: A Bit of a "Turn On!"

We occasionally look into serious cinema yet continue to more often find comfort these days in mindless, non-think fare, especially that which includes certain favorite things. The First Turn On! (1983) was the fourth in a series of cheap, puerile, tawdry sex comedies by the low-budget Troma Entertainment. (The following year they produced a massive financial success, The Toxic Avenger, and then enjoyed another hit with The Class of Nuke 'Em High, 1986.) Aimed at a young male audience, Turn On! is chock full of T&A, utterly tasteless humor, aggressive stupidity, howling overacting (and underacting), "first take" scenes and a script that seems aimed to offend practically anyone outside that aforementioned target demographic. However, it does have moments of nice photography amid outdoor settings. And I'm someone who almost never gets offended by the things that seem to consume the general populace today. I save my rage for what I consider to be significant injustices. Beyond any of that, though, the movie was filmed in what was "my" time (or perhaps slightly before - I would have been about 15.) Thus, it includes a number of elements I tend to be fixated on such as hairy chests, tan lines, Speedos and bulges. Should you wish to subject yourself to the film, it can be seen on Tubi here, free with the occasional ad. Otherwise, here are a few of the highlights (or, as the case may be, lowlights!)

You've seen it many times... the bunk room of a rowdy summer camp, often populated with "teens" played by people nearing or into adulthood. In a break from the norm, I'm not going to refer to any of the participants in this movie with their real names, only the characters they play. Most of them didn't exactly become household names. However, one exception is the guy in the top-left corner. He did become famous and I'll address him later!

Things get off to a raucous start when an older, pretentious camp counselor takes some of her charges on a nature hike and finds two young people forming the monster with two backs deep in the woods!

For a saucy teen sex comedy, there is plenty of beefcake to go around along the way, thank you Jesus.

The primary thrust of the story line, such as it is, concerns flighty counselor Miss Farmer and a small band of campers, Danny, Mitch, Annie and Henry, winding up separated from a larger group and trapped within a cramped cavern.

If I tell you that the landslide that traps the quintet inside the cave is caused when pudgy food-a-holic Henry toots after being told to stay quiet, you then know the level of extraordinary class that permeates the movie! Anyhoo... to pass the time until they are rescued, the folks begin telling one another about their first times; the circumstances in which they lost their virginity.

Mitch goes first. His tale involves him being tossed out of a convertible containing his girlfriend after a bout of PE.

That is one razor-sharp (and pretty high!) tan line. Humiliated, he begins to hoof it back home and encounters a prostitute with whom he makes an appointment to meet up later and seal the deal for real.

Generally inexperienced and afraid of how to go about his business, he invites his pal Jeff to tag along. It was JEFF who really got my attention.

The high-class hooker is beyond stunned with Mitch shows up with the fast-talking, over-eager Jeff, who immediately takes charge with a bunch of lunatic gobbledygook regarding sex. Still, a job is a job, so she reluctantly invites him into her bedroom to go first.

Soon enough, it's clear that he has no idea on Earth what he's doing either and is mostly all talk. He has a list of "Do's" written on his hand which he keeps referring to in order to make the big moment work out, but it keeps backfiring. Finally, he trots into the bathroom to continue his preparation. 

Yes! This is my kind of body type. Love his chest (we can work on the unibrow later - LOL!) and those skimpy li'l briefs!

Things still aren't looking up for the young man. One of the items on his checklist is to make sure the woman gets wet...

So the nitwit douses her with a bucket of water!

By this time Mitch has had it and comes bursting in. He ousts Jeff from the premises by shoving the said bucket over his head and kicking him out onto the street!

We were sad to say goodbye to this cutie, but at least he got the movie off to a rollicking start (although his intense overacting was a lot to bear!)

No, this is not a personal photo of me during the Covid-19 lock-down. It's Henry during his recollection. I'm not going to dwell on it besides to say that he heads to a Halloween party as a ghost, but somehow resembles a Klansman instead (!) and winds up tangling with a passel of gay black dudes. (I told you this wasn't Ernest Hemingway...)

It all culminates in him meeting a girl whose life he has saved and with the two of them getting it on next to a staggering buffet of baked goods at her mansion.

Next, Annie tells her tale of living on a farm and being attacked by a drifter (with a butter knife!) who wants some food. He gets more than that by the end of the tale.

It's fun for a while, but ultimately he drifts asleep. She keeps the butter knife as a souvenir.

The fourth story, and another one with some eye-candy, is Danny's. He's at the far left. Danny is enjoying a day at the beach with his studly brother (in the Speedo.)

The brother Ted perfectly captures that preppie look that was so hot back in the day.

All through the scenes on the beach, as demonstrated here, the background is dotted with extras in sometimes abbreviated or clingy swimwear.

Ted's girlfriend can't keep her hands off of him, but eventually leaves in order to prepare for their date later.

Once she's gone, Ted explains that he's going to help arrange for Danny to lose his virginity that night.

One of his tips to make a big impression is to stuff his pants, though I think Ted seems to be doing all right in his swimwear without it!

Anyway, it all heads south for Ted, but Danny winds up with not only the date of his dreams, but with Ted's girlfriend to boot...!

In the fifth and final story, Miss Farmer recalls playing doctor with her boyfriend Dwayne. This was pretty hard to swallow as Dwayne is coated down in some seriously troublesome acne.

Like, everywhere!

Somehow she remains devoted to him, but at the prom he leaves her for another woman!

All is not lost, though, because she spies a new man across a crowded room.

He seems just as interested in her as she is in him... doubly interested, in fact.

He's a twin! They ask her if she wants to go bowling...

...but it turns out to be balling!

Double your pleasure, double your fun!

If the five stories that I've related to you seem far-fetched, ::::SPOILER ALERT::::, it's because they aren't true. It turns out that the five trapped campers are actually all still virgins and have just made up all these tall tales in order to impress one-another. Now, believing that the end is near, with oxygen in short supply...

...they wind up taking care of things right there on the spot!

While, granted, the ensuing copulation is heterosexual, it was sort of surprising that the ratio of male to female was 3 to 2 when more typically it might have been the reverse (or perhaps even 2 males to 4 females.) Everyone gets a turn and there's no more fretting over crossing into adulthood.

What's more, all the moaning and "action" has led to another shift in the rocks and they are no free to pursue their exploits on the outside. hey, I never said this was Masterpiece Theatre.

So. Back to that one camper I mentioned at the start. He's seen here in a sequence that takes place while the others are lost. He's in the black undies. (But do notice the revealing one in pink. This transparency would be so unlikely to occur today.) Anyone know our tall soon-to-be star?

As a sleepyheaded stoner (he rarely opens his eyes in the film) with a scar on his forehead, we are looking at 23 year-old Method actor...

Vincent D'Onofrio! This was the very first screen appearance of the actor who would soon be on Broadway and within four years be working for Stanley Kubrick in Full Metal Jacket (1987!) Ya gotta start somewhere folks...! He proceeded to many more films and television appearances, but is most likely known best as a star of Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

Slim at the time of this movie, he was cast to be a skinny redneck in Full Metal Jacket, but Kubrick suddenly thought the role would work better if the character was out of shape. D'Onofrio packed on 70 lbs in order to portray the part, which is still a record in the industry. 

D'Onofrio got a lot of attention for his portrayal of a disturbed recruit.

He appeared in more than 140 episodes of Law and Order: Criminal Intent.

And that pretty much brings us to the end!

Gotta run! Till next time...