Try To Catch This "Fish!"

Okay, so maybe you won't actually want to, but I have to say I'm glad I did...! Today's movie, Killer Fish (1979), has been so elusive for so long. And I really wasn't in any particular hurry to track it down. But as part of my Covid-19 "veg-out" viewing, I caught an installment of MSTK3 which featured (a heavily truncated version of) this movie and so I realized I really needed to see it in its proper form. A fellow blogger of mine whose site I frequent profiled this "gem" a while back, but I still didn't bite (and haven't yet gone back there to compare notes, lest I crib too many impressions from his.) Even though I knew I was going to be in for a trip to bad movie heaven with a "can miss" cast, I was not prepared for the amount of disaster elements which put this one into a whole 'nother category. I know it took a while to complete, but this post heralds the return of the dig deep (microscopic, as one astute reader once put it! Ha ha!) type of thing I used to do so often. I hope I can lure you into this fishin' hole!

We begin with game-playing James Franciscus, embroiled in a fierce game of backgammon in the lobby of a Brazilian resort hotel.

Then we cut to a foursome of black-clad operatives led by one Lee Majors alongside Miss Karen Black (perhaps the last person one would expect to find in this scenario apart from, say, Sandy Dennis or Mildred Dunnock!)

A virtually endless series of explosions at the refinery which they are breaking into causes a significant distraction (seemingly more than could ever have been truly necessary!)

During all the resultant hubbub, the team slinks in and zip lines to their destination, a vault containing a large assortment of dazzling gems, kept on the premises as capital.

That task completed, the team hops into a van driven by the fifth member of the band of thieves, Dan Pastorini.

The van pulls up at the base of a dam, where the original foursome exits, heading to the reservoir located below.

At the edge of the reservoir, Majors and crew take a small strong box containing the gems and toss it out into the water; a yellow float attached in order to help find it later.

Meanwhile, driver Pastorini sets a timed mechanism within the van to explode mere seconds before his leaps out. This way, they believe the authorities will think they all died in the escape. Unfortunately, Pastorini waits a beat too long and winds up injuring his shoulder.

The original quartet put on disguises, enacting the roles of tourists on a fishing trip. They're stopped nevertheless by the authorities and asked for permits. Fortunately, Majors had thought ahead as to a plan to get them through this crucial step in their evacuation route.

Black, in her daily life a nurse, stops in to check on Pastorini once everyone is back at the resort. He gives good, but VERY brief, bulge in his jeans as he answers the door. His room, by the way, is a virtual prison cell compared to the others'!

We do get a longer look at his tan nipples as Black fends off his romantic advances.

She then advises him to heal quickly because they'll be going back for the stolen jewels soon and he'll need to be able to dive for them.

It oughtn't to be too big a surprise to learn that Franciscus has been completely in on the theft plot from the start. All six conspirators convene for a pow-wow in which it is determined that they'll go back for the gems in 60 days. This is a rather startling moment, what with Black's elaborate resort wear, Majors sporting a preposterous get-up complete with man purse and one of the others ostensibly naked, drying off from a shower.

There is divisiveness within the group about having to wait two months to retrieve the jewels. Speaking of jewels, one of the brothers (Frank Pesce) shows his family ones off in some flimsy white shorts. Neither he nor Charles Guardino seems capable of buttoning any shirt above about the second or third from the bottom.

Ahhh... the '70s. Open shirts, gold chains and revealing bulges.

Next we meet a whole new gaggle of characters who come in on a private plane. There's model Margaux Hemingway and rotund photographer Roy Brocksmith, who never stops making pithy remarks at every turn.

Brocksmith has a little assistant who bears more than a passing resemblance to another famous world traveler...

Also on this (apparently quite roomy!) plane are fashion designer Marisa Berenson and pilot Gary Collins.

Guardino and Pesce tell Majors they are headed to Rio for chicks rather than bide their time at the resort. Looks like this movie might have been called "Saturday Afternoon Fever" from the looks of it...! Disclaimer: No Polyester worms were harmed in the making of this motion picture.

Berenson (who is lit and photographed incredibly throughout the movie) hires local guide Anthony Steffen to find all the greatest authentic locations in which they can photograph her designs on the back of model Hemingway.

In the lobby, Majors crosses paths with Hemingway and they exchange flirtatious glances...

This is, of course, after she realizes he isn't actually Marlene Dietrich...!

One benefit of Killer Fish is a glimpse of some lovely Brazilian scenery. They at least took advantage of that! It lends a lot of authenticity to the story (which tends to lean towards the preposterous more often than not.)

But we never do get long enough glimpses of Pastorini, even though he's always in abbreviated shorts and half-open shirts. Nurse Black (who's noticeably braless in her halter top) sends him on a 30-minute jog as part of his recuperation. 

This allows her the opportunity to check on her primary patient, Franciscus, who's been afflicted with a bad ticker.

Her methods for taking care of him are rather unorthodox, however! Note the Lucite heels on her shoes (not to mention the Three's Company-ish hosiery under her shorts!) Black continually turns up in a new outfit for practically every scene and also sports a new (often lunatic) hairstyle to go with.

Trouble is brewing for Guardino and Pesce... They didn't go to Rio after all! They appear at the reservoir where the jewels were dropped, intending to retrieve them ahead of schedule.

When Guardino slips into the water, we see a puzzling sight. Lots of little air bubbles.

Surprise turns to horror when Pesce cannot locate his brother and the water is suddenly churning with fresh blood!

Back at the hotel, Brocksmith is photographing Hemingway by the pool in one of Berenson's filmy creations.

Hemingway, who had been a staggeringly successful model in real life, flits around as if she'd never once appeared before a still photographer prior to this. Sort of like a bad actress doing what she thinks a model would do instead of actually modeling. Brocksmith hysterically asks her for "a little more Jean Harlow and a little less Marjorie Main!"

Suddenly, Majors is on the scene again in another fruity-looking getup. His costumer (Ron Archer) got special billing for this fiasco and wound up later doing the clothes on a couple of other movies (for Charles Bronson, of all people!)

He just has to strut by the flailing Hemingway in time to be pushed into the swimming pool!

He's good-natured about the whole incident, but can't help getting her in on the chlorinated action as well.

Her designer duds effectively ruined, at least now he can make out what her boobs look like...

Brocksmith (who looks like he's on an non-Equity tour of "Guys and Dolls" as Nicely-Nicely Johnson) chides Majors for ruining the clothes. You can probably guess how this winds up!

After heading back to his room to dry off, Majors is confronted by distraught, gun-toting Pesce who thinks he's been double-crossed.

Majors turns the table on Pesce and finds out about Guardino's demise, which Pesce thinks was caused by a big snake. Their tete-a-tete is interrupted by a knock at the door from Pastorini who wants to have dinner with Majors...

...but he's got other plans. He's popping the cork with Hemingway. They have a discussion of Brocksmith's sexual prowess. Allegedly, he's bisexual, which leaves Majors a bit skeptical, but not fully closed to the notion. Their repartee is interrupted by a phone call. 

This turns out to be Black out in the hallway, who questions him about where Guardino and Pesce are. She knows they never went to Rio. Hemingway comes out to see what's up and the two gals exchange sniping remarks with one another.

In the back of the restaurant on the beach, a luminous Berenson is watching a mystical local ritual performed by some singing and dancing women. She explains to an increasingly interested Collins that the power being generated can be used as a love spell or to kill...!

Black cannot wait to find out what's happening with the sunken gems, so she hops a speed boat to reach the reservoir. Majors drops on board as well since he is equally curious.

Over at the site, having not had any interesting dinner partners to while away the evening with, Pesce and Pastorini are about to find out how their hidden gems are doing. Pastorini has gone all "Burt Reynolds Deliverance" for the occasion, but - as is becoming frustrating - it's hard to get a decent look at him.

Their attempt spirals into a comedy of errors that Majors arrives in time to witness. He's stunned to discover that no one will be retrieving that strong box any time soon.

Black runs back to Franciscus' suite for answers and finds him overlooking an aquarium of his which is filled with deadly piranha! Clearly, he had placed the carnivorous creatures into the reservoir to ensure that no one try to take the loot prior to the 60 day time frame, whereupon he had plans to eradicate them.

Black is horrified by his actions and pissed off that he kept her out of the loop in the situation. She declares she's going to go get Majors and have Franciscus tell him what he's done. This photo depicts another one of Black's hair designs handled by someone (Carol Meikle) who actually wanted on-screen credit!

Now by this point, three of the six thieves have been incapacitated and Black has watched two of them go. But when she heads to Majors' room, she's now opted to arrange an elaborately braided 'do and a picture hat! Such urgency to get things settled...! But she is waylaid prior to seeing him by a catty, territorial Hemingway. (Real life substance abuser Hemingway has a tough time getting some of her lines out and her voice has to be heard to be believed.)

Black had already faced down a similar nemesis, the Zuni fetish doll from Trilogy of Terror (1976) just a few years prior so she's not exactly intimidated by this new threat. Still, she leaves without conferring with Majors about the situation with the piranha...

Turns out he wasn't absent from the room. He'd just been situated in the shower, all primed for a bit of fun with Hemingway. After all, your three partners in a larceny venture have all been horribly decimated by piranha, so why not take some time out for nookie...?

Despite all his low-slung shirts, this is about the best shot we ever get of his chest.

The climactic kiss with Hemingway, when it comes, is, in a word awkward.

A short, but better, view of a chest comes courtesy of Franciscus, who does some exercising on his lanai. Fans of Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) surely recall his lean, tan body bopping around in a teensy, tattered loincloth.

Annnyway... our story next takes to the water. This small charter boat contains the fashion shoot characters, off in search of just the right scenic backdrops.

Meanwhile, Black and Franciscus head out in their speedboat to get the doggone jewels out of the reservoir before anything else can happen. (Bet you never expected me to put up a picture of Franciscus' "Johnson" did you?!)

Brocksmith is bemoaning the fact that the natural scenery isn't any more spectacular than what could be found back home. So Berenson instructs her guide to keep pressing on to other locales. (Surprisingly enough, no one suggested hanging Brocksmith's shirt up and having poses done in front of that!)

Hemingway looks like she's on her way to understudy Jessica Lange in King Kong (1976!)

Considering the temporary, but swift, career trauma that Lange suffered in its wake, that doesn't seem to have been something to aspire to...!

More lush local scenery as Franciscus and Black prepare to dive for the strongbox.

I should say only Black is preparing to dive, as heart patient Franciscus in unable to take the plunge. The camptastic moment of a lifetime for fans of the actress comes when she dons a wet suit and airtight cap which zeroes all the focus onto her crazed, false-eyelash-laden eyes! Franciscus tosses some chum at one end of the reservoir to draw the piranha away while she searches for the yellow buoy several feet down.

It's an eventful dive to be sure as she comes across Guardino and what's left of his jean shorts!

Next thing you know, the chum is gone and the killer fish decide they'd enjoyed something "Black"-end! This results in a spasmodic, PTSD-ish freakout for Franciscus to contend with.

Over at the photo shoot, things just don't seem to be working out. One minute there's too much color, then something else. Berenson takes notice of a flash of lightning and decides that is the look she wants....!

That shouldn't be TOO hard to accomplish since Steffen soon spots a considerable storm rolling in!

Despite the hellish ordeal Black went through to get them back, Franciscus is thrilled to finally have the much sought after stones in his possession.

A problem arises, however, when they head back to their speedboat. It's lying mostly underwater and in accessible!

They traverse the sopping jungle until spying Steffen's boat, moored nearby. Grateful to be out of the inclement weather, they board the vessel.

Once inside, they're startled to find Majors playing backgammon with Hemingway! Ever the gamesman, Franciscus opts to take her place against Majors. Upping the ante, Majors decides to continue the game, but insists on taking over Hemingway's side instead of his own.

Majors is attired in what might be something of a homage to his years on The Big Valley, though this time out, his kerchief is purple paisley rather than solid brown.

Steffen decides to ride out the storm in the comparative calm of the reservoir (!), unaware that Franciscus and Black were just here or that it's riddled with killer fish!

The previous shot is, at this point, a very well done miniature! Unfortunately, they also decided to use the boat miniature in some medium shots, where its realism falters. (And some critics dared to say that the excellent model of the S.S. Poseidon looked like a toy boat! In fact, this thing reminds me of the tugboat Jenny in Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, 1979.)

Steffen watches in horror (as we do, too, thanks to the hideous - thankfully brief - special effect) as a cyclone swirls across the top of the dam.

Back at the resort, Collins' spirited game of table tennis is interrupted when the storm blasts its way through! Palm trees bend, pool furniture goes flying and his plane is covered in muck.

The people back on the boat have it worse, though. The dam has just burst and they aqre situated right below it!

Not only was I not expecting a disaster sequence like this, the model work was actually pretty decent.

Only trouble is that that forgot to put the boat in the pathway of the rushing water in the long shot.

The release of all that water creates havoc inside the boat.

If the boat is a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!

Keen-eyed Majors notices that Black is more interested in her makeup case than in anything or anyone else during this melee. She looks here as if she's auditioning to play Mary in the local Christmas pageant and the beauty case is Jesus...!

But we're far from done with the disaster part of the movie. Back at the refinery (which didn't have enough trouble during the protracted fiery opening?), water is now headed there, too, and it's causing destruction all over...

Raging water...

..and more explosions with fires breaking out all over. There are workmen darting all over, often in front of rear projection, but they mean nothing to us, so it's really a rather pointless detour (and lengthy, too.)

Majors The boat has sprung a leak! Steffen explains that it's next to impossible to repair a leak of that nature from the inside, but they try cramming things into it to stop it as much as they can. It's also scuttled on the bottom, so it's not going anywhere fast except down!

Franciscus picks this moment to try to bean Majors over the head with a wrench, but he is able to turn the tables on his attacker.

Considering that they are trapped on a sinking boat in the wake of a tropical storm, they agree to wait until they are back on shore before trying to kill one another. Just then, a scream rings out...!

One of the crew has tried to swim for it and is met with the ravenous piranha! (I recently read an interview with Steven Spielberg in which he said it was nearly impossible to get the ocean water red when he made Jaws, 1975, but whoever handled that here doesn't seem to have had the slightest issue - and it happens a lot!)

Steffen attempts to save his young deckhand and is rewarded with a large number of bite marks himself.

This is about as much as Brocksmith can stomach. And for some reason the camera keeps zooming, zooming in until we almost hit him in the nose!

He, along with most everyone else, is stunned to find out that the unseen enemy that's been chewing on everyone is in fact piranha, exemplified by one which has flopped its way on deck!

Back at the resort hotel, cleanup is underway.

Unfortunately, instead of pitching in, this li'l slugger decides to aimlessly splash about in the water. There's no way this is going to end well...

Collins is busy getting his airplane cleaned up and out of the mess it was in. Then he is informed that the waters where Berenson was stationed are littered with the killer fish.

Meanwhile, Majors has spearheaded a plan to build a raft which will transport the boat's passengers from there to shore.

No one is in a particular hurry to ride this thing. A rickety raft with holes in it atop a sea-full of piranha? What could go wrong? Black declines when Majors tells her she can't take a carry-on, then Hemingway declines out of jealousy that Black is remaining!

Berenson opts to ride the float, but for some reason they also hurl Brocksmith onto it, face-down, and it's evident pretty quickly that keeping the raft above water is going to be a bit of a challenge!

The Mt. Rushmore of B-Movie Acting.

Brocksmith finds out the hard way that the holes in the raft contain all sorts of little surprises if one sticks a finger into them!

Franciscus and Black hear the welcome sound of an airplane.

Majors and Hemingway are equally optimistic when they hear the plane's engine.

It's Collins! He's surveying the area for Berenson. Once the waylaid boat is spotted, he does a pass around it and drops the survivors an inflatable raft.

Do these people look as if the depositing of the raft went very well?

Ahem...!

Collins tries once more to drop a raft.

After a second futile attempt, he decides he needs to just land the plane...

Ahem...!!

Now it's time for Majors to step up to the plate and get them the hell out of there.

These little guys may have something to say about that, though...!

Majors is left to contemplate his next move. (And if anything to do with this movie was not to his liking, he's only himself to blame...)

See what I mean, Vern? After the debacle that was The Norseman (1978), which Lee and Farrah also co-produced, they gave it another go here. Perhaps if Farrah Fawcett had taken Hemingway's part, it might have gone over better, but she was likely busy working on the career-killer Sunburn (1979) or the couple might have split by this time (she left him for his friend Ryan O'Neal in 1979.)

Majors, who'd soared to fame on TV in the mid-'60s, just could not catch a break on cinema screens. He set his sites on the more realistic Steel (1979) for his next project, but it sank also, as did The Agency (1980.) By 1981, he was back on TV again (with great success) on The Fall Guy and has never been out of work since.  His best shot at movie stardom came when he won the lead role in Midnight Cowboy (1969) but was forced to withdraw when The Big Valley was picked up for a fourth season. Jon Voight built a solid career on the part. Majors is 82 years old today and still working.

For Broadway actress Black, the 1970s was a wellspring of hot film roles. She was in Portnoy's Complaint (1972), The Great Gatsby (1974), The Day of the Locust (1975), Nashville (1975), Burnt Offerings (1976), to name only a few, and we can't forget Airport 1975 (1974) either! But (perhaps due to overexposure?) by the end of the decade she has slid out of important productions. The highly unique performer kept working in various projects until her death from cancer in 2013 at age 74.

Hemingway had shot to fame in the early-1970s as the face of
Fabergé and as a wildly successful print model (the first ever to land a $1 million contract.) Sadly, the jet-set/Studio 54 lifestyle led to a number of problems. Her acting debut in Lipstick (1976) was heavily scorned by critics and things didn't get much better thereafter. After periods of rehab, Playboy and accusations of childhood sex abuse, the troubled Ms. Hemingway overdosed in 1996 at only age 42, possibly on purpose.

Like Black, the '70s started with great success for Berenson. A model (whose grandmother was designer Elsa Schiaparelli), she landed the cover of Vogue in 1970 and Time in 1975, then proceeded to high-profile movies such as A Death in Venice (1971) and Cabaret (1972.) Her profile lessened in the coming years, though she continued (and continues) to work up to the present. She is now 74.

You can read all about the handsome Mr. Franciscus right here. Like fellow costars Black and Collins, he appeared in other disaster movies such as City on Fire (1979) and When Time Ran Out (1980.) A very heavy smoker, emphysema claimed him in 1991 at age 57.

Though Collins had enjoyed success as an actor on TV with Iron Horse and The Sixth Sense along with occasional movies like Airport (1970), his real niche was found as an emcee and TV host on various programs. He won an Emmy for his long-running show Hour Magazine. His lengthy marriage to frequent costar Mary Ann Mobley lasted from 1967 to his death in 2012 of natural causes. He'd been battling a drinking problem towards the latter part of his life which may have led to his death at age 74.

Broadway actor Brocksmith's name is far from a household word, but his face (and voice) should be readily familiar to TV viewers who likely saw him on countless shows or in popular movies like Scrooged (1988), Total Recall (1990), Arachnophobia (1990) and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991) among others. Although he plays a screaming queen like few others in this, he was married for decades and had a son in real life. He died in 2001 at only age 56 due to complications from diabetes.

Steffen is also not a household name in the U.S., but he was popular in his home country of Italy and even more so in Brazil, where his many "spaghetti westerns" were much beloved. He was nicknamed "The Italian Clint Eastwood," though he also worked alongside sex sirens such as Sophia Loren, Gina Lollobrigida, Elke Sommer and others. He died in 2004 at age 73 from cancer.

Pastorini was a successful football quarterback, mostly with the Houston Oilers (who later morphed into the Tennessee Titans while Houston later generated The Texans.) He was still playing professionally at the time of Killer Fish, but, like more than a few others like him, was testing the waters for an acting career. He'd previously costarred with wife (and playboy model) June Wilkinson, who was nearly a decade older than he, in the low-budget The Florida Connection (1975.)

Pastorini in his early days...

...and a bit later as styles changed. Very few acting gigs materialized for Pastorini after Killer Fish, so he opted to grab some attention of the sort that his wife once had.

In the December 1980 issue of Playgirl, he posed nearly nude. Nevertheless, only a few scattered performing opportunities came along. He and June divorced in 1982 and he turned his attention to race cars. He's still with us today at age 72. Which bring this post, as you might anticipate, to...

The End!

 

** Killer Fish may be viewed here in a really great print if you've been reeled in. [By the way, you may think from this that I have "spoiled" too many things in the movie, but I really feel that I've left quite a bit of it open for your own self-punishing immersion, especially towards the end!]