"Square"-ing Off! - Volume 1

As of late, my treadmill time has been wiled away watching vintage episodes of Hollywood Squares, the venerable game show that had contestants playing tic tac toe with nine celebrities housed within a large game board. Toothy, trendily-dressed host Peter Marshall would ask a question (True or false, multiple choice or otherwise) and the celebrities would give an answer that the contestants would either agree or disagree with in order to win an X or an O. But generally, the celebrity would pop off with a "zinger" - a deliberately wrong answer than had a comic slant to it. There have been collections of zingers on YouTube and in the 1970s there was even a record album of them released for sale! Most of the best ones came courtesy of Paul Lynde. (Well, from the show's writers, but delivered by Lynde.) In an unusual twist, which made the remarks spontaneous - or sometimes cracked up the celeb before they could say it because it finally made sense to them - the zingers were told to the stars before they ever heard the questions! Below are a small collection of zingers that are, perhaps, not as famous as the ones that have made the rounds again and again. These are all from the late-1960s to the mid-1970s. Hopefully, they bring a smile to your face as they did mine.

PETER: "Vertical lift, suspension and truss... are all kinds. Kinds of what?"
PAUL LYNDE: "Shorts..." (underwear)
(real answer: bridges)

PETER: "According to Raquel Welch, can you be flat-chested and sexy?"
ROSE MARIE: "Well, it works for Paul Newman..."
(real answer: Yes)

PETER: "Does Hank Aaron say that anything ever gave him a bigger thrill than breaking Babe Ruth's home run record?"
MILTON BERLE: "Yeah... He broke Lola Falana's record."
(real answer: Yes; hitting his last home run before leaving the Atlanta Braves)

PETER: "In Little Bo Beep, what did the famous sheep leave behind them?"
PAUL LYNDE: "Well, Simple Simon thought they were breadcrumbs...."
(real answer: their tails)

PETER: "What is the major reason that birds fly south for the winter?"
MARTY ALLEN: "It's easier to hit people when they're lying on the beach..."
(real answer: lack of food)

PETER: "Richard Burton always has a long, curved crease pressed into his pants to draw attention away from something... What?"
DEBBIE REYNOLDS: "I'd have to talk to Tom Jones..."
(real answer: his bowed legs)

PETER: "Your husband Edgar has been talking in his sleep. According to Ann Landers, should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?"
JOAN RIVERS: "And how... His secretary is a guy!"
(real answer: no)

PETER: "It's popular nickname is The Playground of Europe. Where is it?"
MALTER MATTHAU: "Zsa Zsa Gabor's living room."
(real answer: Switzerland)

PETER: "In the dairy business, what does a farmer call a cow who won't give milk?"
CHARLIE WEAVER: "Every name in the book!"
(real answer: a dry cow)

PETER: "How many men on a hockey team...?"
PAUL LYNDE: "About half!" (followed by probably the longest sustained laughter ever from the others there.)
(real answer: six)

PETER: "Is Billy Graham considered to be a good dresser?"
PAUL LYNDE: "No, but he's a terrific end table!"
(real answer: yes)

PETER: "If someone is trying to inculcate you, what would they be trying to do?"
EVA GABOR: "You're sure it's the night-time show...? We can say it?"
(real answer: teach you something.)

PETER: "True or false? Studies at the University of Wisconsin show that you will live longer if you love only one man or woman at a time...?
PAUL LYNDE: "But it is all right to alternate...?"
(real answer: true)

PETER: "True or false; your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's..."
PAUL LYNDE: "Look who's talking, beaver face!"
(real answer: true)

PETER: "Howard Cosell's mother confides that little Howard began doing something at the age of 9 months that he's still known to do quite a bit of today. What is it"
BOB NEWHART: "Washed his hair in Woolite"
(real answer: talk)

PETER: "According to the San Francisco Examiner, what land animal has the biggest eyes of all?"
RICH LITTLE: "That's Carol Channing."
(real answer: horse)

PETER: "As dinner host, the first person to be served wine is the one on your _____. Your what?"
DOM DeLUISE: "On your lap!"
(real answer: right)

PETER: "Statistically, what's the world's favorite fruit?"
JOHN AMOS: "Are we referring to Hollywood?"
(real answer: banana)

Amos' expressions did more than his answers, actually. I couldn't resist a second one from the same ep.

PETER: "According to a report in Medical Times Magazine, what was listed as the best exercise in terms of health benefits?"
JOHN AMOS: "Which magazine...??"
PETER: "Medical Times:
JOHN AMOS: "Oh..."
(real answer: jogging)

And lastly came this hooty one. I'll be back again in the future with others as we move into the late-70s...

PETER: "According to Playboy, what is the minimum number of sets of underwear a man should have in his wardrobe? 8, 12 or 16?"
MICHAEL LANDON: "I wish Pa [on Bonanza] would let us have underwear just to start out with... Sets? Oh, 'cause I don't even wear 'em one pair at a time."
(real answer: 12)